Dems Suck At Cheating

Pelosi To Schedule Dirty Tricks Seminar

WASHINGTON DC — “I actually had to ask my middle schooler how bullies behave.”

Thus, a Democratic Congressman who wishes to remain anonymous given the sensitivity of the matter. “I just don’t know the first thing about playing dirty,” he added.

Ironically, the federal government has an encyclopedic list of federally mandated training seminars to help government workers get good at their jobs…

• IT Security Awareness
• Constitution Day Training
• No FEAR Act (ie Whistleblower policies)
• Occupational Health and Safety
• Ethics Awareness
• Insider Threat Awareness
• Purchase Card Procedures

There is even a training seminar for “Plain Writing.”

There is nothing on Dirty Tricks, however. But that may be about to change. The Office of the Speaker refuses to confirm or deny that it is shopping for a seminar in parliamentary skulduggery.

“It was that or pay top dollar for confidential therapeutic treatment on demand. In our cloakrooms, for god’s sake!” complained an official with the Speaker’s Office, speaking off the record because she had not been cleared to address the matter. “Can you just see a quack’s couch in the cloakroom?” she added with a snort.

Welcome to the Biden era. The GOP, led by that impresario of legislative monkey business, Mitch McConnell, is running circles around the Democrats in both chambers of Congress.

The latest? Senator Ron Johnson’s artful effort to delay the passing of the COVID Relief Bill by invoking a Senator’s Privilege to have the entire bill read on the floor of the Senate by clerks. The stunt lasted almost eleven hours.

On the plus side, the Democrats managed a bit of double dealing themselves by voting to shorten the overall debate time — and hasten the passage of the bill — but only after the Republicans had all gone home.

Nevertheless, even that bit of minor chicanery cost Team Blue.

“You should have seen them afterward,” sighed a staffer. “So many broke out into a cold sweat, we had to administer warm cloths to their temples and pass around shots of soothing chamomile tea.”

“Several required backrubs to stave off migraines,” he added.

There is talk of appropriating some additional funding for Representatives and Senators, perhaps by including members of Congress as “essential workers” under HR 8349, a bill, ironically, introduced by a Republican, Van Drew (R-NJ).

Speaker Pelosi is reportedly furious at the very suggestion of the idea. While her staff deny that such an altercation ever occurred, a staffer from House Whip Jim Clyburn’s office claims that when asked about the funding possibility, the Speaker snarled, “Tell them to put their Big Girl Panties on, for Christ’s sake!”

In the meantime, the 2004 Lindsey Lohan film Mean Girls has become a favorite among the House Democratic Caucus. Archival screenings for members are being regularly scheduled, with both female and male members attending. (There is no applicable “male version” of the story.)

Under rules hammered out in committee, attendees are free to interrupt the film’s screening at any time, provided that all voices are heard in any following discussion.

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Hope you enjoyed that. More of my humor and satire here.