Donald Trump Jr Tearfully Tells Senate About His Experiences Growing Up Without A Chin.
“It’s not possible for me to eat soup unless I use a straw” Says Trump Jr.
Ah, adversity. It’s what a magnificent lion faces, when Donald Trump Jr. shoots that lion in the face. Not to place blame… but, obviously, the lion should have hid himself better from Trump’s sons. Perhaps by fleeing its natural habitat, or by wearing a disguise that includes a fedora… but I digress.
So, Trump Jr. took time out of his busy schedule of murdering all mammals and birds with his brother Eric “The Half-Formed Man” Trump, to spend a lovely day at the senate, regaling our US senators with amusing anecdotes about being born without a chin.
Trump Jr. tearfully said: “I can’t eat soup, because it just rolls down my neck and into my shirt. Also, shaving has been an issue, because there’s no stop-gap after my bottom lip, so I wind up swooping down my neck with the razor, and accidentally shaving parts of my chest”.
Sobering words indeed.
Trump Jr. also defended his meetings with Russia’s entire spy network by stating:
“I was hoping to adopt some Russian children. I’d like to say it’s because I have SO much love to give, and want to help these kids, but… if I’m being completely truthful,… me and my brother Eric were actually hoping to hunt them for sport, and then use parts of their corpses to have plastic surgeons implant a chin onto my face, and perhaps even make Eric look less like a 2nd trimester fetus, and possibly close his fontanelles, if we’re able to harvest enough of them to do so. That’s the best case scenario”.
Senator Al Franken, noted as being the best senator to interview anyone, ever, in all of history, had this exchange with Trump Jr.
Al Franken: “So, according to the emails that I’m looking at with my own eyes and that came from your computer, you were invited to sit down with representatives of a hostile nation, in order to trade Hillary information from Russia’s spy network, in exchange for favors such as dropping sanctions.”
Donald Trump Jr: “Where does it say I can’t collude with hostile nations as they attack America?”
Al Franken: “All known laws say that. Like almost every one. It’s considered treason to help a hostile nation to attack this country”.
Donald Trump Jr: “This is the very first I’m hearing of this. So, to clarify, what if Kim Jong-un wants to share information his government has on whoever we’re running against in 2020? You’re saying I can’t trade that information in exchange for our nuclear codes? How is THAT fair?”
Al Franken: Wait…. is that the head of a dead giraffe? How did you even get that in here, and WHY?
Trump Jr: “It brings me comfort to hold the severed head of something that was once alive, but now isn’t, directly because of me. I’m surprised you don’t know that…”
Al Franken: Um… let’s get back to the meeting at Trump Tower, where it was disclosed that Hillary had 33,000 missing emails. You say your father had NO knowledge of this meeting, and yet, twenty minutes after the meeting he started talking about 33,000 emails.
Trump Jr: Total coincidence. Anyway the truth is, it was actually a date. That Russian lawyer with ties directly to Putin, was someone I was chatting with on a website called “Russian-women-with-gigantic-ginormous-heads-and-craniums-looking-for-love .com. All those other people there were just chaperones, to prevent me from murdering her and eventually wearing her skin.
Written By Steven W. Rouach
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