Donald Trump to remove federal ban on puppy hunting

Washington, D.C. — Today, the Trump administration announced its support of a controversial measure that would allow U.S. citizens to hunt newly born puppies for sport.

“It’s like that scene in Universal Soldier where Dolph Lundgren wore a necklace made out of human ears?” asked a visibly erect Donald Trump Jr. “We’re doing that, but with puppies!”

He then proceeded to do “the Trumpty dance,” a self-proclaimed family ritual consisting primarily of flubbed high-fives, stiff-legged waddling, and pantomimed finger-banging.

In response to mounting criticism from a broad coalition of civil servants, religious leaders, and animal rights activists, the administration has promised to do nothing whatsoever.

“You should see my dad on the puppy killing field,” explained Ivanka Trump, presidential advisor and occasional women’s right activist. “He’s finally laughing!”

According to local hunters, the president’s laugh “rustles like dry bones in a haunted graveyard” and renders man and canine alike incapable of thought or movement.

“You pull the trigger and not a second later, puppy brains are all over your hands,” said President Trump. “It’s a messy, messy business. Now, I strangle them. It’s beautiful.”

To support the once-unthinkable energy needs of the nascent-but-growing puppy hunting industry, Secretary of Interior Ryan Zinke hired an organization hitherto unknown to the American public.

“Dogfish Energy is the ideal provider of reliable, low-cost electric service to puppy hunters,” said Zinke. “I’d also like to state that I am in no way related by blood to any Dogfish employees.”

During a recent trip to Zinke’s hometown of Bozeman, Washington Post reporters found the company’s headquarters in an abandoned refrigerator by the side of Interstate 90. The rotting appliance was staffed by two gaunt individuals who bore a striking resemblance to the secretary.

“‘MAGA. MAGA. MAGA.’ They just kept repeating it,” explained the Post’s Carl Bernstein. “If I asked a question they would just yell ‘her emails!’ and roll around in feces that I have good reason to believe is their own.”

Breaking with yet another longstanding norm, in lieu of fielding questions from reporters on the new policy, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders asked the press corps to get down on their knees and drink water from a dirty bowl, like a bunch of bitches.

They thanked Sanders for the opportunity.