DOTUS
Losing Gravity
INT — Writer’s Room — Hollywood
We see two writers in a room. They’re standing in front of a board with colored index cards. They’re flanked by ferns and an American flag.
Writer 1: Ok, ok. We have to have the president saying ‘you’re fired!’
Writer 2: Right. That was his whole thing.
Writer 1: Exactly.
Writer 2: Ok, but who? Who should he-
Writer 1: How about the attorney general?
Writer 2: I don’t know. He’s potus, not dotus.
Writer 1: Dotus?
Writer 2: Dictator of the-
Writer 1: Ah, I see what you did there. No, listen. Let’s have him sign that executive order where he bans Muslims and-
Writer 2: But we’re calling it a travel ban, right?
Writer 1: Yes, but the viewer will understand what it is.
Writer 2: Ok, cool. Oh, but we just wrote that Holocaust Remembrance scene where he didn’t mention Jews or anti-semitism. I don’t think people will-
Writer 1: Of course they will. It makes sense. He’s a bigot and he has an alt right sidekick who’s an even bigger bigot.
Writer 2: Right. Captain Unkempt. I keep forgetting because we went deus ex machina sans deus, which I, well, I don’t think we can take him out of the script at this point. So yeah, ok.
Writer 1: Alright, so, what if the Attorney General — let’s make her a woman.
Writer 2: Oh, oh — put in place by the previous president.
Writer 1: Well, we had the other woman who stepped down before the inauguration.
Writer 2: Right. Such a good name. Alliteration is always so underrated. Maybe we-
Writer 1: But the new AG can still be a holdover from the last administration.
Writer 2: Yeah, that works.
Writer 1: Cool. So what if the AG, wait, we have to set it up. Let’s have the executive order ban thing totally blow up. Like he signs it on a Friday and it causes crazy weekend chaos. Crazy! Like all of sudden people are detained, families are being separated, children are-
Writer 2: In tears. Foreign governments condemn it. They issue their own bans against Americans. And we could have throngs of people protesting-
Writer 1: At airports, like wherever there are international flights. JFK, Dulles, Boston, San Francisco, Seattle, LAX, Ohare.
Writer 2: Security doesn’t know what to do. People are freaking out.
Writer 1: No one can see their families. No one know what’s going on.
Writer 2: Crying. Lots of crying. Mothers, kids. Grandparents.
Writer 1: We can get armies of lawyers marching into airports.
Writer 2: And the people actually cheering for the lawyers.
Writer 1: Yes. And how about we have cabs go on strike? Like refuse to take people to JFK?
Writer 2: I don’t know. Isn’t that a little too on the nose?
Writer 1: What do you mean?
Writer 2: Well, you know. Cab drivers? Foreigners? Immigrants.
Writer 1: No, it makes them heroes. It’ll work. I mean it even kind of writes itself.
Writer 2: I can see that. Ok, fine.
Writer 1: Let’s have a judge stay the order to keep it moving. Like in Brooklyn or something. We’ll make her a woman, too.
Writer 2: Seriously? You think with that huge Women’s March we wrote in, it might be a little too much?
Writer 1: No, I think it’s fine. We have so many men in this thing, we have to have more women. It’s still not even even.
Writer 2: Ok. Wait, Brooklyn? Is that too hip?
Writer 1: I don’t think so. Not any more.
Writer 2: Ok.
Writer 1: Now let’s go back to the Attorney General. Let’s have her say she won’t defend his executive order because it’s unconstitutional.
Writer 2: Which it is, right?
Writer 1: Well, I think so. I mean it’s pretty unAmerican if nothing else.
Writer 2: I have a lawyer friend I can call and ask later. But for right now, let’s say it is unconstitutional.
Writer 1: It doesn’t even matter. The AG is just doing her job, and she recognizes it’s wrong. Period.
Writer 2: Yup, you’re right. Total American hero stuff. Standing up to tyranny. Love it.
Writer 1: And she does this Monday. Ok? Monday. The weekend is barely over and the week is just starting.
Writer 2: And he fires her Monday night. Axe comes down, boom! It’s fast.
Writer 1: Really, Monday night? I don’t know. That seems, I mean, even I-
Writer 2: It’s a whirlwind, remember? Total chaos. No one can act because they’re still re-acting. Losing Gravity. That was the whole reason we started writing this. What would happen if. Remember?
Writer 1: Right, right. Ok. Monday night he’ll say, ‘You’re fired.’
Writer 2: Yes. I think it works. I think it totally works. Seriously. It feels good.
Beat.
Writer 1: Ok, I know this is a little out there, but just hear me out.
Writer 2: Ok.
Writer 1: We have a flashback. Like a year before. It’s the AG’s senate confirmation hearing for deputy attorney general.
Writer 2: Ok.
Writer 1: She’s being grilled by a senator. He asks something like, ‘Do you think the attorney general has the responsibility to say no to the president if he asks for something that’s improper?’
Writer 2: Ok.
Writer 1: And she says something like, ‘I believe the attorney general or the deputy attorney general has an obligation to follow the law and the Constitution and to give their independent legal advice to the president.’
Writer 2: Sure, ok. But that doesn’t seem flashback worthy. I mean that seems kinda obvious.
Writer 1: Right. But what if the senator grilling her is the guy that the president wants to appoint as his own AG?
Writer 2: No. No way. I have to put my foot down on this. No. There’s no way anyone is going to believe that. That’s, no. They’ll tell us you’re fired if we write that. I mean the fact that we wrote whatshisname into the NSC is already too much; which, by the way, I’m sure they’re going to make us take out.
Writer 1: Then they can take out the flashback as well.
Writer 2: Look, I gave you the scene where the president has his first interview and he’s all crazytown with the inauguration numbers and illegal votes. You can give me this one. We don’t need the flashback. We just don’t need it.
Writer 1: Ok, fine.
Beat.
Writer 1: What if I give you the scene where the senate actually approves the president’s pick for secretary of education?
Writer 2: Ha! Deal.
Fin.
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