Five Ways Bill de Blasio Can Win the Democratic Nomination
NYC Mayor’s Path to President
Oh, it’s hard to convey the level of excitement felt when Bill de Blasio decided to run for president.
Many New Yorkers were interviewed by the press upon Bill de Blasio announcing his historic run, eliciting responses that ranged from “Who’s that?”, “He’s doing what now?”, and “Get out of my way before I punch your heart out!”
Inspiring thoughts, indeed!
Despite that groundswell of excitement, Bill de Blasio still trails in the polls, possibly because at 6' 5 his head gets cut off in many pictures, hurting his recognition.
Taking journalistic initiative, I went out with three photographs to NY’s Times Square. A photo of Bill de Blasio, a photo of Gene Simmons from KISS in full make-up and costume, and a picture of a goat named Martha from a local petting zoo, and I asked random New Yorkers to try to identify which one was the Mayor of NYC. Those who didn’t try to stab me in the head with a broken bottle provided me with these results.
Martha The Goat 56%
Bill de Blasio 14%
Gene Simmons 30%
Those aren’t great numbers for de Blasio.
So, I assembled a team to try to come up with groundbreaking ideas to increase de Blasio’s popularity, but the ground broke beneath them, hurling them down into the crust of the earth. I then assembled a think-tank, but they all drowned when the tank filled with water... Politics are not for the feint of heart.
I then decided to work alone and have compiled a list of ways Bill de Blasio can win the DNC nomination.
- Zombie apocalypse.
De Blasio’s height means he can see zombies coming from a long way away, giving him an edge over human-sized Elizabeth Warren. He just needs 23 other candidates to be eaten to soar to the top of the field. - Poison America’s water supply and only provide the antidote if he’s made president.
None of us like being poisoned. Even the band “Poison” is very dangerous to us. So, poisoning all our water and promising an antidote would get Bill de Blasio some much needed recognition, and cause some excitement too! - Start roller-skating everywhere like Tootie from “The Facts of Life”.
None of the other candidates roller-skate exclusively in lieu of walking. This would make him stand out and give him even more much-needed height. Picture him rolling around the stage during the next debate. - Same as above but with a Pogo Stick.
‘Bouncy’ Bill de Blasio. Vote for me! Boing Boing Boing! - Unstaple Donald Trump’s hair-weave.
There are many paths to becoming a hero. Someone who changes the world and becomes history. The first person to unstaple Donald Trump’s hair-weave from his empty, haunted, head, will be that hero. But first, a meeting would have to be arranged… So, Bill de Blasio would need to place a call to the White House, and have this exchange.
Bill — “Hello, Donald? North Korean spies just gave me a ton of dirt on Biden! Should we meet up or do you want to call the F.B.I.?”
Trump- “Are you kidding? Let’s meet up!”
The next thing we know, de Blasio’s in all the headlines for separating Trump’s weave from his giant, ferret, head, and goes soaring up the polls, and has his fun, new, catchphrase: “You’re welcome, America!”
So, EXCITED that Bill de Blasio is redefining ‘leading the field of the back-50 Democratic candidates’? Will YOU be purchasing a Pogo-Stick to heighten awareness of you to others around you? Let us know in the comments below!
Written by Steven W. Rouach
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