Fuck the NRA. Be a Betsy.

There’s a fun new gun control movement afoot, and it’s got the Good Guys with Guns up in arms.

And the horse they rode in on.

We all feel safer knowing that an armed militia of Good Guys with Guns stands ever at the ready to defend society from the tyranny of loud music, popcorn throwing, mouthy females, being cut off in traffic, putting clamato in beer, and all other forms of oppression.

But the latest threat to American freedom is more even more insidious than brown people minding their own business. The ever-vigilant Guns.com yesterday posted an article entitled “Betsy Riot gun control group encourages attacks on gun owners.”

What kind of “attacks” do these hysterical hussies plan and execute? What secret weapons of warfare do they wield that turn the mighty militia into pants-shitting cowards?

The answer is: stickers. Duh.

Lexington and Concord. Gettysburg. Midway. Normandy. And now, the restroom at Barnes and Noble.

Who is Betsy? What does she want? The CIA and MI6 don’t yet have clear intelligence data, so reports must be pieced together from survivors who make it back from the front lines. So far she has struck in Illinois, California, Minnesota, Oregon, South Carolina, Virginia, Washington, D.C., and there’s no telling where she’ll attack next. The Guns.com Facebook page claims that Betsy’s mission is “to prank, lambaste, and gun culture” [sic], even though that doesn’t make sense because there’s no verb. Like every underground terrorist cell, Betsy has a Facebook page and website, where her diabolical mission is clarified as “…to prank, lambaste, and generally fuck up gun culture.”

Expect Betsy.

Behold the enemy.

You might think that ladies armed with a clutch of home-printed stickers don’t actually pose much of a danger to the most heavily-armed people in the entire developed world…but how wrong you’d be! Thankfully, a good portion of Guns.com’s loyal readership (and those who read it to them) understand the threat posed by mischief and minor vandalism, and are prepared to meet it with deadly force:

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I definitely feel safer knowing these people are armed. Don’t you?

Another of Betsy’s stated objectives is “collecting the tears of man-babies,” which flow in abundance throughout the article and the comments section:

Dude, you totally just referenced Pace Picante Sauce in your manifesto.

There’s also plenty of butthurt about Betsy’s tactics of “harassment and sneering,” when of course law-abiding Second Amendment People would never ever ever resort to physical intimidation of gun violence survivors, or threaten to rape and murder gun law reformists.

Here — you might need these.

Far be it from me, or any law-abiding citizen, to give aid or comfort to this new American ISIS. No matter what happens, we can’t afford to risk losing our freedom to bring AR-15s to the grocery store. So you definitely should NOT follow @betsyriot on Twitter, or “Like” her on Facebook, or visit her website, lest you get any nefarious ideas.