THE DAILY TREASON REPORT:
Gee, Isn’t Jared Doing a BANG UP Job of Bringing Peace to the Middle East!?!
by Steven W. Rouach
Jared Kushner.
Looking at him it becomes apparent that when GOD crafted him, GOD’s people-making-machine was accidentally set to “Uncanny Valley”.
Yes, everyone’s least-favorite Muppet from Jim Henson’s darkest moments is the guy currently in charge of bringing peace to the Middle East. No, really! No, he really is!
Isn’t that FUN!?!
Jared is most famous for only having to fill out his US Security Clearance forms about 137 times, all unsuccessfully.
The problem was, whenever SERIOUS ADULTS in charge of SECURITY CLEARANCE would look into Jared, they would say things like — “Oy! No!”, and “Oy, Gevalt! No!”, and “Oy Vey! No!” and “EGADS! No!” and “Geez-Louise! No!” — This is why Kushner had to keep changing his forms, possibly by using finger-paints or crayons.
This leads us to a solid, tangible, fact.
Jared Kushner has high U.S. security clearance, despite the repeated protestations of everyone in the universe who grants U.S. security clearance.
Yay.
So, now that everyone in the Middle East is celebrating PEACE by graciously sharing all their shiny new bombs with each other in a festival of fire, we currently see the results of Jared “Mr. Fix-It” Kushner’s well-thought-out guidance.
This is because his mind doesn’t work in such a way that facilitates thought, and thus, endangers us all.
Here’s a perfect example of Jared’s CLEVER ideas — he decided to buy a haunted building in Manhattan located at 666 5th Ave., but only because 666 Demonic-Unholy-Things-Street isn’t an address in NYC yet.
Using his finely honed skills, Jared did this 30 seconds before the entire housing market crashed. He had his family’s entire fortune tied up in it, and it was losing like $1 billion dollars a day. Seems that for some reason… creepy, haunted, buildings with weird ectoplasmic energy swirling around in the skies over it like the building from Ghostbusters… are hard to sell space in. Imagine that…
For those of you who don’t live in New York, I want to give you some perspective. Picture yourself in a van. Now picture that being your apartment. That’s how we live in New York. Like Lego. That’s why we’re so angry. For example, I’m angrily punching the individual keys on my keyboard as I’m typing this. But Jared’s un-dead building couldn’t sell any space… possibly because it’s effing haunted. Seriously, if you looked at it you’d say:
“Oh, my GOSH!- I hope I didn’t leave the iron on before I left the house!… And wow… what a SPOOKY building!”
You don’t believe me? Fine, but where’s the trust? Here’s a picture of 666 5th Avenue, conveniently located on top of a Native-American burial ground!
Photo from: “A FUN Adventure In Possibly Staying Alive!”- (the marketing video for 666 5th Ave.).
So, Jared Kushner, a haunted mannequin, decided to buy a haunted building because, gosh darn it, he’s a complete idiot in every conceivable way.
The reason Jared Kushner was even in charge of his family’s entire fortune was because his father, Charles Kushner, pulled some amazingly hysterical and ghoulishly comedic witness-intimidation hijinks while he was being tried for a bunch of crimes, in a court of law, in front of a judge who was wearing a very somber expression.
Here’s what happened.
Jared’s fun-loving dad, Charles Kushner, tried to stop his own sister and brother-in-law from testifying against him by covertly arranging for a prostitute to sleep with HIS OWN SISTER’S HUSBAND so that he could blackmail them. No, really. No, he really did.
For clarity, Charles Kushner:
- Hired a prostitute to seduce his brother-in-law,
- videotaped it,
- and then sent the videotape TO HIS SISTER to attempt to intimidate her from testifying before a grand jury.
ISN’T THAT AMAZING?!?
So, as you could see, Jared comes from some very, very, clever stock.
Yet, despite Jared Kushner’s fantastic brand of DNA, Jared’s Halloween-Themed-Building was indeed losing insane amounts of money.
And that’s why Jared was HILARIOUSLY running around the White House, trying to borrow money from every country that had vowels and consonants in their names. Selling us all out, by selling US policy like a truly terrifying Tupperware Party.
That happened. Over, and over, and over again. Ask H.R. McMaster. He tried to stop it. Then he was gone.
Trading favors for favors — is just another day at the office formally known as ‘the Oval Office’.
So, now, I’m going to yell this for the hearing-sanity impaired.
AND, THIS IS WHY PEOPLE WITH LARGE DEBTS AREN’T SUPPOSED TO HAVE SECURITY CLEARANCE.
— Ta daa!
So, Trump in his infinite wisdom if wisdom was flatulence — Put Jared in charge of peace in the Middle East because thousands of lives are at stake, and he truly felt it would be a great way to inspire lots of explosions and insane amounts of bloodshed.
Everyone neglected to tell Jared the word “peace” means “not-fighting”, possibly because they just naturally figured he’s an idiot who wouldn’t understand what they were saying anyway.
The end result was what it was always going to be;
- things exploding,
- everyone on fire.
And why should you care? —
Oh, my cherished, adored, and beloved readers, the world is a filament gossamer glass globe. Not the planet, but the Society Entire that dwells upon it. It’s amazingly fragile and if one part cracks it affects all the rest. And we were the ones who used to hold it. Decide where it went. Whose hands it should be in, along with us.
The exact job Putin has now. Leader of the entire free and unfree world. An ex-KGB agent who got everything he ever wanted, Vladimir Putin is like real-life Charlie Bucket from Willie Wonka, but with a Russian accent. The man who ruled the world.
So, as the bombs fall upon people in the region, Jared Kushner can cross “Peace in The Middle East” off of his “Things-To-Do-Very-Idiotically”- list.
Mission accomplished.
Written by Steven W. Rouach
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