God To Biden: You’re On Your Own With COVID

Massive Security Failure As Supreme Deity Penetrates Oval

WASHINGTON DC — Heads are rolling among the campus security of the White House Complex.

Exclusive breaking news by this reporter reveals an event that up until now has been a closely guarded secret. On Inauguration Day, the newly minted President Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. found a handwritten card on the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office with a terse message…

Joe, you’re on your own with COVID.
Stop praying dammit. It’s growing annoying.
— God

Biden, a devout Catholic, was reportedly offended by what he termed “a sick joke.” West Wing staff brushed the event aside as a prank pulled by disgruntled staffers of the outgoing Trump administration.

There was just one problem. A routine security check found no signs of the prankster. “There was nothing,” said a member of the security team, speaking anonymously as he did not have clearance to address the matter.

“Not a whiff,” he added. “The routine check by staff after the former President left his welcoming note confirms that there was nothing else on the desk. Just the letter. No card.”

Further, there is no sign of any person entering or exiting the Oval Office on the West Wing security cameras, either from the outer office or from the Colonnade outside the building. Not even doors opening or closing.

“It’s eerie,” squeaked one staffer, who wished to remain nameless for fear of retribution, divine or otherwise. “I went home and prayed, no matter what the card said.”

In the days following, as the Office of Chief of Staff mounted its own inquiry, several theories were floated, all of them ultimately shot down. Most for the simple reason that — all kidding aside — the investigators did not find the outgoing administrative staff responsible.

“To be honest, we didn’t think they had the brains for it,” commented an investigator, speaking off the record. “I mean, come on. The guy entered the Oval four years ago with the B team. By the time he left, he was down to the D or F team.”

West Wing and White House staff were interviewed, some several times, before the investigating team cleared them all, principally because all were identified on camera as being in other locations of the building during the 13 minute and 47 second period that investigators isolated as the time in which the card “appeared” in the office.

“We say ‘appeared’ because we can’t see how someone could have gotten in there, much less out,” said the investigator.

Pastor Rory Bethel of Sacred Lamb Church of Christian Souls has his answer. “Oh, God put it there, all right.” The pastor has been one of the few to be briefed on the matter. “Our elders have been praying — quietly but fervently — for the President since we first heard word of it.”

Sacred Lamb, centered in Omaha and billing itself as the “Largest Church of the Heartland,” has long been considered a crucial part of any presidential electoral strategy that encompasses the Midwest.

Asked to explain his certainty that God placed the card on the Resolute Desk, Pastor Bethel retorted, “Are you serious? Loving God is omnipotent and omniscient, not to mention omnipresent. No CCTV’s going to catch Him on tape!”

Asked to explain why an all-powerful God would not help stop the COVID virus, the pastor paused for several seconds, as if fighting for his words.

Then he responded, “Why it’s simple, isn’t it? The President is being punished by the Almighty for his satanic support of the Baby Killers.”

Asked if there was a divine meaning to the numbers 13:47, he waved off any further questions.

Back in DC, the pressure is on to find the culprit, not least because of the January 6 storming of the Capitol Building. An extensive house-cleaning of security staff is rumored to be starting soon. One wonders whether they will be praying to keep their jobs.

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