How to Convince Someone to Vote Hillary (Hint: Tacos)
I feel for those rational Americans among us who are not big fans of Hillary Clinton and are thinking of either boycotting or voting for Trump out of sheer disillusionment with “the system” and all of its shortcomings. Whether it’s the use of a private email server, the Clinton Foundation’s ties to dictators and wealthy elites, or even the policy choices she made during her tenure as Secretary of State, I think any reasonable person should ask serious questions about the judgment and ambitions of the Clinton dynasty. While America is well behind the rest of the world in electing a woman to its highest office, I think it sends a very negative message when we elect immediate family members to the post of president — whether their last name be Bush or Clinton.
But let me explain why I think a vote for Clinton is still the right move. I’ll use a rather crude metaphor:
It’s like if I’ve been eating chicken tacos for lunch every day. Yes, I’m sick of it. I’d prefer having some steak tacos once in a while, or who knows, maybe a burrito. And so someone notices my jadedness with the tacos and comes along to say, “Hey, instead of paying $5 for those chicken tacos, give me $5 and I guarantee I’ll give you something different.”
And I say, “Hmm, sounds interesting. What kind of taco?” and he says “It’s going to be an amazing taco. The f***** best. The biggest and tastiest taco you’ve ever seen in your life. We’re going to make tacos great again.”
“Do you have any experience making tacos, I ask?”
“No, but I have made millions in the waste management industry, okay? I give money to all the farmers so that they use my agricultural services to spread manure on their fields. And I make beauuuuutiful sewage tanks.”
“Hmm… okay. Can I see what ingredients you’re using? maybe the plans of the factory where you plan on making the tacos? or do you have a menu I can look at?”
And he’s like “No no no trust me dude I’ve got you all set. You are going to f**** love it. How gross are chicken tacos? They’re the worst! Chicken chicken chicken. Nasty chicken. Do you know how many antibiotics they pump that shit with?? That is not organic. Gross. Absolutely gross.”
Meanwhile all of the people who own chicken farms and the makers of chicken meal are like, “Hey! Trust me, stick with the chicken! You don’t want to eat his shit!” and I’m like “F*** YOU I know what you guys are up! It’s in your interest to keep me eating chicken, you’re making money off of this gross stuff. Someone needs to teach you a lesson.”
And they respond, “Okay deal, I promise we’re going to improve the quality of our chicken to make it more organic, when possible. And maybe we’ll raise the price to $6 so that we provide you with a steak option by 2018.”
But no, I don’t trust them. And besides, I want change NOW. Nothing ever gets done in this crazy taco world. I forget that eight years ago LGBT people weren’t allowed to eat tacos, or that millions of Americans are no longer involved in a war over guacamole.
And so I’m like, “You know what?? I don’t care. I’m sick of chicken. IT IS GROSS. I don’t care that it meets 90% of my nutritional needs and allows me to live a pretty good life. Here’s my $5. Let’s see what you got.”
And what do I get?
‘Alright sir, thank you for your $5… just working on it… alright here we go…. and voila!”
A shit taco.
Like, a taco full of poop.
Yes you’ve said f*** you to “the man” and all the chicken makers who are friends with the people in government. But you’re left eating shit tacos. And sooner or later, you can bet that the government will be full of CEOs from the feces and sewage industry who are like “Heyyyyy there eat some more shit! Also jk we’re raising the price to $8 and we’re only making taco bowls because due to our trade war with Mexico we’ve run out of tortillas.”
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So yes, we may live in a world where a misguided banker is appointed Treasury Secretary, resulting in Citicorp’s share price moving up a couple points and making some more money for corrupt people. But I’d rather have that than a world where people with heavy guns (both our police and random militias) are emboldened to harass Mexican-, Muslim-, and African- Americans. Or where our president starts a trade war that destroys the global economy, weakens our allies, or worse — gets me sent off to fight somewhere for some bullshit.
Don’t fall for the shit taco. Vote chicken tomorrow November 8. xx
