TrumPooning Christmas

How to Cook a Trump-branded Turkey

Published in

Extra Newsfeed

2 min readDec 25, 2018

Today, we present a refresher on the basic steps for how to cook a Trump-branded turkey — often called a “turd-bird” in the industry.

Remove the packet of small fowl balls (I think this is called a gliblet) from the anal cavity of the turd-bird and save them for gravy or stuffing. Next, rinse the turd-bird inside and out and pat dry with toilet paper.
If you are stuffing the Trump, stuff it loosely (not like a pair of tight golf khakis), allowing about 1/2 to 3/4 cup stuffing per pound of turd-bird.
Tie the drumsticks together with handcuffs. There’s no need to brush the thin skin with melted butter because it’s already soaked in snake oil.
Insert an anal thermometer into the thickest part of the turd-bird. The thermometer should point towards the body, and should not touch the boner.
Place the turd-bird on a rack in a boasting pan, and into a preheated 350 degree F oven.
Boast, er, baste until the thin skin is a light burnt-orange color.
The only reliable test for doneness is the temperature of the Mueller-applied heat, not the color of the skin. It should be set as high as possible.
I’m often asked if the Trump should be cooked with his face or butt up. Neither is an appetizing position; so we recommend calling the Stormy Daniels’ Spank-a-Turkey hotline for what’s appropriate.

Merry Christmas!!