How To Survive A Bear Attack
Alternatively …
No … really … let’s look at this logically:
Alaska Interagency Bear Safety Education Committee recommends you start by identifying the type of encounter.
I’m pretty sure that’s the easy part of the process, but, if in doubt, check your underwear to determine if it’s one those pant-shittingly scary “Ohfuckohfuckohfuckabear!” encounters ¹ or simply a “Nothing-to-worry-about-it’s-just-a-chipmunk” one ².
Make allowances for “FuckshitfuckshitfuckapackofwolvesI’mdead” though ¹ — sometimes it’s neither a bear nor a chipmunk and you should be mentally prepared for this because the bear pepper spray is for bears, not wolves, and you’ll look foolish if you try to use that instead of your wolf pepper spray ³.
“…don’t push your slower friends down in attempts [to] save yourself.”
Well, it wouldn’t be my first choice, no … but I don’t have a family to worry about and can afford the luxury of indulging in moral squeamishness … so, if you do have a family (especially kids), it’s probably best to heed the advice to Hike with a crowd.
After all, you don’t want them to be orphans, do you? What do you mean, you didn’t come with your SO? What kind of idiot goes into the woods on their own!? No, please, don’t tell me you brought the whole family! What kind of parent takes their family hiking in the woods? Your partner might be a freak … they did decide you were the one after all, so they’re clearly demented … but that doesn’t mean you should ruin your kids’ lives by dragging them away from their games consoles and taking them on a forced march through bear/wolf country — what kind of monster are you!?
Jesus! What’s the number for Social Services?
The best way to steer clear of bears is to ̶g̶i̶v̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶m̶ ̶l̶e̶s̶s̶ ̶r̶e̶a̶s̶o̶n̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶c̶o̶m̶e̶ ̶n̶e̶a̶r̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶o̶r̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶c̶a̶m̶p̶s̶i̶t̶e̶ stay home!!!
Seriously … camping!?
As if it weren’t bad enough you dragged your family out into bear/wolf/(flying) snake country to sate your sadomasochistic urges, you’re forcing them to camp out as well!?
If you do encounter a bear in the woods, the first thing to do is to get a read on its mood — and on the type of bear you are dealing with.
Get a read on its mood!?
Are you f**king kidding me!?
Hang on … I’ll just dig out my bear mood checklist — I’m sure I packed it here somewhere.
Yes … here it is … let me see now …
Question one: Is the bear charging towards me in an angry manner?
Check.
Question two: What do you think the chances are of successfully identifying the hiker’s remains, officer?
A defensive bear is one you’ve happened upon by accident and surprised, which may scare it so it runs off, or elicit a rapid attack to which you have very little time to react.
So, it’s pretty hit or miss as to whether its a ‘defensive’ bear or 1,500 pounds of violently, more scared of you than you are of it, poetic licence on legs really.
If a surprised bear strikes or bites you, what you need to do will differ based on the type of bear it is.
Actually, I’m not sure you’ll have that many options; I’m pretty sure what you’ll be doing at that point is starting the process of bleeding out and … well, that’s pretty much it really — yeah … bear … angry at being surprised … strikes and/or bites you … it’s pretty much game over at that point and your choices limited to moaning or screaming as you evacuate your bladder and bowels in terror (assuming the bear didn’t disembowel you first).
But, okay, let’s engage in academic daydreaming …
Brown or grizzly bears
If attacked by one of these bears, ̶d̶r̶o̶p̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶g̶r̶o̶u̶n̶d̶,̶ ̶l̶i̶e̶ ̶f̶l̶a̶t̶,̶ ̶p̶r̶o̶t̶e̶c̶t̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶h̶e̶a̶d̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶n̶e̶c̶k̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶a̶r̶m̶s̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶h̶a̶n̶d̶s̶,̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶p̶l̶a̶y̶ ̶d̶e̶a̶d̶ ̶u̶n̶t̶i̶l̶ ̶i̶t̶ ̶l̶e̶a̶v̶e̶s̶ push one of your companions in front of you and use the opportunity to make your getaway whilst the bear is distracted.
If you can’t do that, however, drop to the ground, ̶S̶p̶r̶e̶a̶d̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶l̶e̶g̶s̶ and ̶k̶i̶s̶s̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶a̶s̶s̶ ̶g̶o̶o̶d̶b̶y̶e̶ pull your largest/fattest companion on top of you, so ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶a̶r̶e̶ ̶h̶a̶r̶d̶e̶r̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶t̶u̶r̶n̶ ̶o̶v̶e̶r̶ the bear claws their intestines out and chews on them instead of yours — by the time it’s done, it probably won’t be hangry any more and you can creep away whilst it sleeps off its food/adrenaline rush.
If the bear doesn’t leave you alone, ̶f̶i̶g̶h̶t̶ ̶b̶a̶c̶k̶ ̶u̶s̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶w̶h̶a̶t̶e̶v̶e̶r̶ ̶r̶o̶c̶k̶s̶,̶ ̶b̶r̶a̶n̶c̶h̶e̶s̶ ̶o̶r̶ ̶p̶e̶r̶s̶o̶n̶a̶l̶ ̶i̶t̶e̶m̶s̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶c̶a̶n̶.̶ ̶T̶r̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶h̶i̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶b̶e̶a̶r̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶f̶a̶c̶e̶.̶ you’re screwed.
On the plus side, if you have been suppressing any wild bear related urges, you’ll probably never get a better opportunity to let loose and just be true to yourself and, under the circumstances, I’d say “Who are we to judge what a person eats for their last meal, if they smoke a cigarette … or have ‘relations’ with a bear?” After all, it’s unlikely there will be anyone left alive to recount the tale anyway and, if there is, you’ll either be dead and beyond caring … or, having cast off the shackles of Society’s expectations, living your dream, so what does it matter what they tell people when they return to their starched collar, regimented, lives that are really just a living hell of oppression and suppression? ⁵
Black bears
Playing dead won’t go so well if your attacker is a black bear. You need to get away as fast as possible, and escape into a secure location like a car if you can. Again, if escape isn’t an option … because how many people go hiking in the car? … ̶f̶i̶g̶h̶t̶ ̶b̶a̶c̶k̶ ̶h̶o̶w̶e̶v̶e̶r̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶c̶a̶n̶,̶ ̶a̶i̶m̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶b̶l̶o̶w̶s̶ ̶a̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶b̶e̶a̶r̶’̶s̶ ̶f̶a̶c̶e̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶m̶u̶z̶z̶l̶e̶ ̶o̶n̶c̶e̶ ̶a̶g̶a̶i̶n̶,̶ once again, you’re almost certainly screwed and should follow the advice for attack by brown/grizzly bears above.
An offensive bear is not one that makes off-colour or disparaging remarks ⁷ but one that’s stalking you ¹¹, or one you may see off in the distance purposefully moving toward you.
According to Bill Schneider […] and […] professor Steve Herrero […] you should stop moving toward the bear and go back the way you came for at least 400 yards.
Remember, you’ll probably be quite anxious and, however calm you may think you are, the chances are that you will be not be moving as slowly/quickly as you believe. You will probably be moving faster … possibly two yards/metres per second (even three, depending on how panicked you are) … and hyperventilating as you do so. You will, therefore, probably find counting to 400 by way of ‘Mississippi’ less useful than usual and might be better advised to reckon that you’re covering around three metres/yards per (not as softly uttered as you think either) “Ohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuck!”
Once it’s out of sight, use a different trail or wait 20 minutes before continuing — making loud noises as you go.
This is where your periscope will come in handy, if you play the waiting game.
What do you mean you didn’t bring a periscope? How else are you supposed to keep the bear in sight whilst you wait? You don’t want to just sit there whilst the bear draws ever closer, out of sight, do you? That would be stupid. You get your periscope out and keep watch … duh! Remind me never to go on a picnic with you!
Move to higher ground to make yourself appear larger
On the other hand …
… so, I dunno, you might want to think carefully before deciding that taking to the high ground will necessarily make you look bigger.
Or, for that matter, that looking bigger is necessarily of more value than being far away.
but don’t think of climbing a tree — both grizzly and black bears can do that, the National Park Service notes.
I don’t know about you but I can’t climb trees even when I’m not panicking … and probably not calmly walking, but pretty much all but running, away from a bear that thinks I’m not masculine enough and doesn’t mind using offensive and hurtful language to let me (and everyone else within earshot) know that … so, I don’t have anything to offer here except to observe that my own approach of not looking to trap myself at the top of a tree whilst hostile forces gather around the base of the trunk and wait for me to fall out of it when I lose consciousness seems to coincide with that of people who have been chased by bears and know what they’re talking about, so, it’s probably safe to follow my example ¹².
If the bear is fairly close when you see it, do not panic, run wildly or scream (that might encourage the bear to chase you) and don’t drop your backpack, as it can provide protection for your back if worse comes to worst.
Hmmmm …
I think an argument might be made that, if your backpack is full of fish, dropping it might distract the bear long enough for you to make your (now much quicker) getaway.
Why might your backpack be full of fish?
Why, for the purpose of distracting bears of course … why else?
Conversely, whilst it can provide protection, the stench might be what causes the bear to take an interest in you in the first place and hanging on to it, therefore, ill advised.
So, it might be the root cause of your problems … especially in the spring/summer months, when the bears are hungry and putting on weight for the winter … so, it’s a case of swings and roundabouts really, this one, and you should possibly wait until the bears are hibernating before you stuff your rucksack full of fish, just in case — make your best call.
Immediately pick up any children who might be hiking with you.
This will prevent them from running away, which might, as said, encourage the bear to chase them.
On the other hand, that might encourage the bear to chase them, leaving you to make your getaway whilst it’s distracted, so, you know … swings and roundabouts, roundabouts and swings.
How great would the loss be?
Is it your favourite child? ¹³
If it were eaten by a bear, how many spare kids do you have?
Can it be replaced — are you in a position to have more?
Is it even your child? Or is it … you know … dispensable …
Having said all that, picking them up makes you look bigger and, also, so long as you keep turning so that the bear is to your side then, like the backpack, they can provide protection, if worse comes to worst.
Finally, at a pinch, you can throw them at the bear, which … like being necklaced with an angry cat … will probably come as something of a shock and disorientate it — from the bear’s perspective, there you are, chasing an interestingly fishy smelling creature through the woods when a ball of screaming/wailing kid, arms and legs flailing, comes flying into your face and boots you in the muzzle … it’s not anything you anticipated and has got to put you off your stride a bit.
Do not make eye contact with the animal. Stand your ground and, if you have it, prepare your bear pepper spray
I’ve never eaten bear, so I don’t know what condiments go best with it but, if the experts say pepper, I’m not gonna argue.
(which you should carry if you’re out hiking in an area where bears are frequently seen).
Which you shouldn’t be fu*king doing, remember!
Then, slowly move away […] As you move away, slowly raise and lower your arms like you’re doing jumping jacks without the jumping.
I’m no seven-stone weakling, but I’m no bodybuilder either and, depending on your physique, this could prove difficult, if you are carrying the aforementioned children.
Moreover, even if benchpressing a couple of kids is all in a day’s work for you, if you were working through the previous advice and trying not to startle/antagonise it unduly, suddenly throwing them up and down in the presence of a hostile (even if only -ish) bear might not be so conducive to their keeping as calm as you’d hope and you could end up undoing all your hard work.
I’m not sure how well thought out this bit of advice is — unless, as previously discussed, you plan on using them as decoys … in which case, pre-arming them, as it were, is probably a good idea, so go right ahead and follow the advice.
If the bear charges, stand your ground. Schneider says most charges are actually bluffs to scare you off (like you need help with that).
It’s very easy for them to say that … all safe over there … not being charged by a bear — a bit like the generals who, safe in their bunker, 20,000 miles away from the conflict, order troops into battle with a rousing “What ho, over the top, chaps ... give the blighters a jolly good rollicking, what? Show them what’s what, what!”
But you don’t see matadors doing that, do you?
No … matadors step aside at the last second and let the bull miss them.
I reckon you should think about that.
I reckon, stepping aside at the last second … rather than letting 1,500 lbs, or more, of (h)angry bear roll over you like a juggernaut … is probably safer than standing your ground.
You could use one of the kids like a cape … as a distraction (something for the bear to focus on instead of yourself).
If the bear doesn’t stop, well, you’re pretty much fu*ked … but, by all means use your pepper spray once it’s in range, which is usually about 30 to 35 feet, if you think it will help — a bit like shouting “MINT SAUCE!!!” at a flock of charging lambs, you never know, it might intimidate them.
If you don’t have any pepper spray, you really are screwed — there’s no way I’m not expressing my displeasure at your slipshod approach by pushing you in front of the bear whilst I make my getaway … or hiding underneath you whilst it chews on your innards.
̶m̶a̶k̶e̶ ̶l̶o̶u̶d̶ ̶n̶o̶i̶s̶e̶s̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶w̶a̶v̶e̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶a̶r̶m̶s̶ ̶b̶e̶f̶o̶r̶e̶ ̶i̶t̶ ̶m̶a̶k̶e̶s̶ ̶c̶o̶n̶t̶a̶c̶t̶,̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶a̶g̶g̶r̶e̶s̶s̶i̶v̶e̶l̶y̶ ̶f̶i̶g̶h̶t̶ ̶i̶t̶ ̶o̶f̶f̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶a̶n̶y̶t̶h̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶h̶a̶v̶e̶.̶ Throw the kids at it and run, ̶U̶s̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶F̶o̶r̶c̶e̶ Luke!
Again, keep in mind, encounters with offensive bears are extremely rare.
Well, that’s a relief, eh?
But, let’s not forget how true that observation can be … if you don’t stupidly insist on going where there are fu*king bears to begin with, you simpleton!
[Disclaimer: This Article Is Utter Nonsense For Entertainment Purposes Only. Do Not Take Internally, Always Keep Away From Children And, In The Event You Do Find Yourself Confronted By A Bear, You Should Completely Ignore It And Follow The Advice In The Linked Article (Or Of Any Experienced Experts In Your Company, Or Contactable By Phone/Radio/SMS/IM)]
—
¹ Trust me, when the time comes, your usual affected concern with profanity will be the first casualty of the situation — when you have an unexpected encounter with a dangerous wild animal that can end your life before you can say “FU…!!!” the first words out of your mouth will not be “Gosh-darn-golly, this is a fine todo and no mistake.”
² Don’t get overconfident, however … even chipmunks can surprise you
³ You did bring some wolf pepper spray, right? You didn’t leave it at home because you, naively, only planned to encounter bears in the woods, right? ⁴
⁴ Remember …
If you go down in the woods today, you’re sure of a big surprise
If you go down in the woods today, you’d better go in disguise
For every bear that ever there was is somewhere else and, instead, you’re facing a pack of ravenous wolves who will attack you from all sides and there’s no way you can hold them all off
Because today’s the day the teddy bears have their picnic (so, they’re at the local McDonald’s drive-thru, hassling motorists for Filet-O-Fish).
⁵ If, by some miracle, both you and others should survive the encounter, well … look … you were attacked by a bear … the situation was messy … I wasn’t there … who am I to gainsay that you lashed out with your knife at what you thought was the bear but, unfortunately, amidst all the chaos and confusion, ended up slashing your companion’s throat instead … that it wasn’t a tragic accident that could’ve happened to anyone under those circumstances? ⁶
⁶ It might be a bit difficult to explain away more than one such ‘accident’ though, so, if you can get your hands on a gun instead, accidentally hitting more than one person as you inexpertly blast away in a cocktail of terror and inexperience with a rifle/shotgun/bear-attack offers a much more realistic chance of acquittal (if the coroner doesn’t simply rule ‘death by misadventure’ before it even gets that far). Granted, it might be a little more difficult to explain why one of your companions appears to have died of a crushed windpipe, your thumbprints are all over their neck and your DNA was found under their fingernails but … whilst I’d rather you didn’t put me in that position (I’d be a bit uncomfortable providing an alibi for someone I suspected of being a murderer) … frankly, anyone with the facility to take that cold-blooded a course of action, after such a traumatic experience, is someone I’d be nervous of pissing off and, as a psychologist, I couldn’t say, hand-on-heart, that it were impossible that you entered a fugue state and have no recollection of events … that, in my expert witness opinion, a ruling of ‘temporary insanity’ were entirely inappropriate </just sayin’>.
⁷ That’s not to say that you should feel obliged to put up with such behaviour from even a bear, let alone anyone else, of course and, as long as you would not be putting yourself (or others) in unnecessary danger at the time, you should not allow feelings of intimidation to prevent you from calling such behaviour out — bullies are cowards at heart and will (mostly) back down at that point ⁸.
⁸ Unless they’re a violently unhinged psychopath/sociopath ⁹, in which case you’re pretty much screwed either way but should probably not have provoked them ¹⁰. Or one of the sneaky types who wait patiently and take revenge for the perceived slight at a later date (they’re the worst because you never see it coming until it’s too late).
⁹ Or a bear.
¹⁰ Hey, you asked … I can’t be held responsible if my advice doesn’t hold under every possible circumstance — feel free to seek someone else’s opinion, for all the good it’ll do you, you wretched ingrate.
¹¹ You can try applying for a restraining order, but, honestly … it’s only my opinion, but … in my opinion, that’s something for later — right now you should be looking to take evasive action.
¹² Although …
… it’s a bit like that idea that dolphins always rescue people they find shipwrecked and floating adrift at sea. Sure, those people the dolphins rescued lived to tell their tale … but what about the people whose tale is that the dolphins swam them further and further out to sea until they drowned? How many of them have we heard from?
So, you have to ask yourself how we know what people who made the mistake of climbing trees (only to learn, the hard way, that bears can do that too) think about this, don’t you? Just how reliable is this information?
¹³ All parents say they don’t have a favourite child. But they’re liars and if they told you that then it just wasn’t you.
