Inside the Courtroom Drama of Trump’s Insistence on Claiming “Voter Fraud” DESPITE Having Exactly ZERO EVIDENCE of “Voter Fraud”

A Proud Moment For Americans Who Have Already Fled the Madness of America.

Our Evolution Challenge! Can You Spot All the Dinosaurs in This Photo? (Image by Author)

Shockingly, Donald Trump, (best known as the result of when vampires impregnate a can of Silly-String), has claimed, thus far;

• that he hasn’t lost an election,
• that there was no election and it was just Hillary dressed in various disguises pretending to vote,
• that none of us exist and we’re all just figments of his imagination,
• that the same three million dead voters from 2016 once again rose from their graves and voted for Biden just to finally prove that the dead have more survival instincts than half of living America does,
• that all votes are all illegal unless they voted for Trump,
• that he won’t concede to anything, ever, nor will he facilitate a sane transfer of intelligence briefings to Biden’s cabinet of serious, non-goofy, rational, adults, despite Trump never reading intelligence briefings anyway because they’re designed to keep us all alive.

Powerful stuff. But is any of it true? My readers want to know!

So, I did some diligent research- I spent literal WEEKS checking my sources and uncovering the hidden truth about which VR Gaming headset has the best graphics and the results were shocking! — Oh, and I spent one half-nanosecond checking out whether Trump’s claims were true. Then I remembered that Trump is basically a turnip stapled to a hair weave and filled to the brim with the ooze from Ghostbusters II when the ooze is introduced with PCP.

According to the Washington Post, a recent leak from the White House from an unnamed source described the feeling in the White House as “akin to being on the subway with a disturbed lunatic. No one makes eye contact and just hopes he gets off at the next stop”.

He won’t.

However, for posterity’s sake, I needed to document Trump’s hilarious quest to obliterate democracy. I do this in order to aid and inform future aliens who land here and dig through the rubble of our planet to see how we ceased to exist.

So, Trump launched 60 or so lawsuits against various states that allowed their citizens to vote, even if they’re black.

Illustrious law firms such as; Porter, Wright, Morris, & Arthur, — Snell & Wilmer, — Jones Day, — as well as the less illustrious — Dewey, Cheetum, & Howe, — Carl’s Good-Ol’ Law-Shack!, — Sue, Grabbit, & Runne, — Faust, Sinister, & Moloch, — The Law Firm of Mark, David, & Chapman, — and, — Dumass & Phail, have all filed lawsuits in states that Trump lost, just so that he can ask for donations and wreak havoc and destruction upon us.

FUN!

BUT then… they had to talk to various JUDGES (due to things like law and the legal system) and it didn’t go so swell.

I will now take you on a wondrous and magical journey into the various courtrooms where Trump lawyers interacted with judges.

Judge: You claim voter fraud. May I see your evidence?

Trump Lawyer: Your honor, that is a NICE tie you’re wearing!

2nd Trump Lawyer: I must agree with my colleague. It’s VERY fetching! Best tie I’ve seen all day!

Judge: Do you HAVE evidence of voter fraud? You see, usually, people come in here and they have evidence and that makes my job fun because then we name the evidence “exhibit A” and “exhibit B” and so on…

Trump Lawyer: As evidence — my co-council and I will dance a jaunty jig together for the court’s amusement. It is Hungarian in nature and accompanied by a lute, and I think after the first 37 minutes or so into our dance it WILL BLOW THE LID OFF THIS CASE!

Judge: I see… You do see the robes I’m wearing? They signify my job as a judge and as a duly appointed judge I really do like to see “evidence”. It’s kind of “our thing” amongst us judges. It really helps move our jobs along and lets us forget that many of us don’t wear garments under our robes and just let things hang out in the breeze.

Trump Lawyer: Well… no… your honor, it’s not that we don’t HAVE evidence as much as we didn’t FIND any, anywhere. We DO have a statement from someone who talked to someone who overheard someone saying “something seemed hinky”, an exchange which we’d like to perform, in song, after we do our Hungarian Evidence Dance…

Judge: Please approach the bench so I can hit you both over the head with my gavel. Let the records show when I bonked them on the head there was a hollow, comedic, sound, as one would hear while watching The Three Stooges or a cartoon. Case dismissed and may GOD have mercy on your tattered souls.

Of course, from this one exchange, you won’t see the various subtle differences between the different courts and Trump’s lawyers, such as; the country of origin of the Evidence-Dance they’d offer to perform in each state, but the results were the same. They were all thrown out due to the legal precedent set from the case of “Ogg vs. Ugg” who had a cave dispute during Neanderthal times, and in every court case since, establishing a need for non-dance-based EVIDENCE to be provided during any legal dispute.

So, what have we learned?

That Joe Biden is indeed and in fact indisputably the President of the United States of America. This is beyond question, debate, or dispute in this particular universe and plane of existence. Kamala Harris is the first female Vice President of the United States. I can guarantee you that she will not have a fly stuck to her head during her time in office like closeted male-mannequin turned fishing-lure, Mike Pence.

Typing the above paragraph has made my blood pressure and level of anxiety plummet to levels I haven’t had since before 2016. My body and soul suddenly filled with warmth. My craving for sanity and reality about to be sated in glorious oasis after this 4-year journey through the desert of lunacy. Thank you, President Biden and Vice President Kamala for giving me hope. Not for Democrats or Republicans, but hope for us ALL.

Written by Steven W Rouach

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