Ivanka and Jared Tell All!
Hello, and welcome to the Gibbons Forum. The summer of 2018 will be remembered for being bittersweet. Be it the controversial separation of children and their parents at the border, the continual fighting between the political parties, and most recently the deaths of Aretha Franklin, Neil Simon, and John McCain. Which leads me to my guests tonight. Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner. They were guests at Senator McCain’s funeral, where his daughter Meghan slammed Donald Trump in her eulogy. They’re here to discuss what happened. Welcome to both of you.
IT: This is going on Medium, right?
JKG: Yes, it is.
JK: Medium has Twitter, babe. So does Miss Gibbons. I did my homework.
IT: Oh good. Daddy won’t read anything if it isn’t on Twitter.
JKG: Well I’m so glad that’s cleared up. Let’s discuss the funeral. It was a somber occasion, was it not.
IT: Very somber.
JK: They could’ve made it more fun. I mean, funerals are supposed to be somber, but they could liven it up somehow.
JKG: Really? How could they do that? JK: Well look: that woman who sang “Danny Boy?” Wow, I mean, she just brought the mood down. IT: I was just going to say that. I mean, I know McCain is Irish and all, but everyone around us was just crying. I mean, really.
JKG: You’re talking about Renee Flemming, correct? IT: Yeah. I mean, I know it’s true to McCain’s Irish roots and everything, but couldn’t they get Lee Greenwood? He could’ve done “God Bless the USA” and that would solidify the country rather than divide it.
JKG: How does Renee Flemming singing “Danny Boy” divide the country?
IT: As said before, it’s just so sad. Jared is right, why bring the room down?
JK: You know who else they could’ve gotten? Meat Loaf.
IT: Oh yes. He was on The Apprentice. Got into a fight with Busey, but everyone fights with Busey.
JK: But “God Bless the USA” song, it just gives you tingles. Tingles unite the country.
JKG: Now getting back to the funeral. Senator Lindsay Graham invited you, correct?
IT: Yes, it was so gracious of him. Even though Daddy has that special nickname for him.
JKG: Oh, I don’t think I want to know…
IT: It’s okay. It’s Dopey.
JK: It’s the big ears!
IT: Honey, Miss Gibbons could figure it out. (Whispers) the ears are kind of big.
JKG: Was there any hesitation on your part to go to the funeral?
IT: It was our patriotic duty to go.
JK: We also didn’t have anything else to do.
JKG: But there’s been some rumors you weren’t happy with where you were seated…
JK: Ivanka, I’ve got this. You see, Miss Gibbons, Ivanka is the First Lady…
JKG: You mean the First Daughter.
JK: Oh yeah, First Daughter. That title means respect. It’s classy. It means you sit with the other children of presidents attending the funeral.
JKG: I don’t think, other than George W. Bush, there were other president’s children attending the funeral.
JK: There weren’t? I thought for sure I saw Amy Carter there.
IT: Stop talking. Just please stop talking.
JK: Ivanka, I’m not finished yet. I’m sorry, but it peeves me that we were in the nosebleed seats.
JKG: You mean you were seated upstairs.
JK: Yes! I mean, we were with the nobodies.We were with that Saxby Chandliss guy, who’s he?
IT: That’s Saxby Chambliss, sweetie. He was the senator from Georgia for twelve years.
JK: Whatever. Then there was Major Dad…
IT: You’re talking about Gerald McRainey.
JK: Yes, and Superman…
IT: You’re talking about Dean Cain.
JK: Would you stop interrupting me? Yeah, Superman, Dean Cain! What’s the difference? One can fly, one is doing Hallmark Channel movies! What I’m saying is this: We’re the A-listers. We should’ve been down there with the A-listers. I’m just saying!
JKG: Ivanka, I hate bringing this up, but Meghan McCain had rather harsh words about your father in her eulogy.
IT: She’s entitled to her opinion.
JK: The View should fire her. I mean, really.
IT: Well, she spoke from the heart. I have to admire that she spoke from the heart.
JK: When Donald Trump dies, it will be big. I mean it, big.
JKG: Um, I really don’t think this is the right thing to talk about that… JK: Ivanka, tell her. Tell her your brothers and Tiffany will talk about what a great dad Donald’s been.
IT: I really can’t discuss…
JK: Tell her how he made America great again.
IT: (silent)
JKG: I think we should conclude the interview here…
IT: Not everyone can just get up there and give a eulogy, Jared. I mean, eulogies are supposed to be the truth about how a person lived their life. Some people might not be able to get up there and speak about how a person lived their life.
JKG: Yes, well. Thank you for coming today.
JK: Shalom to you.
JKG: If only. Good night!
Jennifer Kathleen Gibbons has been published in Salon, Stereo Embers, and The Billfold. She has also written about the cold case about Suzanne Bombardier, which was solved in December 2017. She is writing a memoir about her involvement with the case, along with a collection of essays. Both are seeking agent representation.
