Lifting the Shackles of Oppression, Straight White Guys Invent “Straight Pride Parade” because “Silly Goose Parade” Isn’t Quite Silly Enough…
As a straight man, I am very proud I’m not involved with this.
Oh, us straight, white, men have struggled!
Did you know that straight, white, men, weren’t even allowed to VOTE in America until *1789! (Provided they also owned property, such as women, land, and slaves).
*(1789 was when George Washington ran for president, once it was properly confirmed, through much diligent investigation, that he was definitely a straight, white, male, who owned property).
We straight men faced such adversity and sang “We Shall Overcome” while not holding hands.
It may also shock you to discover that there are straight men who were actually discouraged from seeking careers in fashion and interior design, just because they were really, truly, and profoundly, horrible at it. Here’s a photo of some straight, white, men who designed their own outfits.
I know. That photo is very upsetting.
And, just recently, a straight couple was refused their purchase of a wedding cake just because the bakery had burned down days earlier in an unrelated incident, — and yet no one was appalled by this!
Another straight couple was refused a marriage-license just because they were standing in the wrong building, inside of a 7–11, instead of a city clerk’s office. They were so upset, the owner took pity on them and gave them both free Slurpees!
And now, some straight people are VEXED that they have to coexist on Earth with other human beings who are not straight — just because the LGBTQ community selfishly and defiantly refuses to:
- all be willingly launched out into space in a giant spacecraft, (to live out amongst the stars exploring the galaxy),
- or pretend they’re not LGBTQ every moment of every day for the entire rest of their lives, (so as not to upset obsessive compulsive ‘straight people’ with closeted gay tendencies and far too much time on their hands)
- or, at the very least, live in a constructed dome under the sea (and this, despite all the virtues of living “Under the Sea” depicted in a delightful Calypso styled song by an animated anthropomorphic crab named Sebastian in Disney’s “The Little Mermaid”).
Also, LGBTQ people are still denying Carbon Hill Mayor Mark Chambers’ recent very emotional and public request for them to all simultaneously die, even though it would make him REALLY REALLY HAPPY if they did.
That happened. That’s a real thing. He did that.
By the way…
Have you SEEN Carbon Hill Mayor Mark Chambers?
He looks like the mugshot of the guy who stole everyone else’s blood pressure!
Here is (a screenshot) of what carbon-based people who live on a hill elected as the Mayor of Carbon Hill, Mark “Mr. Pink” Chambers.
FUN FACT: If you don’t wash him and the shirt in cold water, the colors will bleed. Inside of his head.
So, there’s going to be… a parade!
A “Straight Pride Parade”. This is another actual, real, thing, that is happening! In Boston!
Okay, now let’s examine this.
The organizers are called, and I’m absolutely not making this up, —
“Super Happy Fun America — advocating on behalf of the straight community!”.
I’m now just going to go ahead and assume they’re all straight, white, dudes, due to their goofy-factor and silliness-quotient in mathematic probability.
Apparently, “Super Happy Fun America” got their name by duly hiring the same marketing firm that translates the printed instructions of air-fry machines made in China, to English. (Their previous work includes “Warning: Never use Super Happy Fun Air Fryer © while taking many baths or in pools of swimming! Using your tongue to clean the heating element while being still very hot will make your tongue sad! Not using Super Happy Fun Air Fryer© as a blunt-force object will not void your warranty!”)
Super Happy Fun America then slowly realized they needed a celebrity as a face for “the cause”, so of course, they chose Brad Pitt.
Okay.
If you follow the path of their logic —
— from calling themselves “Super Happy Fun America” and then deciding that straight people desperately needed to come out… and be proud of themselves, and all that they’ve… persevered, via a parade, —
them randomly choosing Brad Pitt as their mascot, then makes a lot of sense… (ED NOTE: This is one of those many times since 2016 where I can’t believe I’m not imagining all of this).
So, in a very crafty move, they did this without asking or informing Brad Pitt.
This went on for about 12 seconds before Brad Pitt’s lawyers immediately sent the ‘Straight Pride Parade’ organizers a very poignant and thought-provoking missive threatening them with legal action. Here is a copy of that note.
Attn. Super Happy Fun America.
Re: Us, taking away all of your individual homes if you don’t stop.
Hi, idiots! Stop using Brad Pitt to promote your idiotic parade, or our law firm will sue you to the point where you’ll have to march in your stupid parade wearing empty barrels in lieu of clothes, just like cartoon hobos from the 1920s.
Signed — Brad Pitt’s Legal Team”.
Inspiring words, indeed…
So, after racking their brains with their special brain-racks, they finally chose Milo Yiannopoulos to be the face of the ‘straight pride parade’. No, really. No, they really did.
For clarity, Milo Yiannopoulos was famous for being a lunatic who says truly bizarre and insane things. He then went on to make several video clips in which he stated his own, and Roy Moore’s, and Jared from Subway’s, shared belief that sexual relationships between children and adults can be “consensual” and “positive experiences”, (and also help the economy by keeping psychiatrists, psychologists, and therapists that specialize in severe-child-trauma readily employed).
Yes, Milo Yiannopoulos is now the official mascot of The Straight Pride Parade.
Oh, he’s also gay. And he dislikes gay people, and women, and feminists, and people who get upset when he champions sex between adults and children. His turn-ons include being hit over the head with a mallet until he achieves silly-nirvana causing him to blather incoherently like a maniac.
Here’s the problem with all this.
Monty Python.
You see, Monty Python pretty much broke up after filming “The Meaning of Life” in 1983, and all that silliness had to go SOMEWHERE.
For 33 years or so, all that silliness was just… waiting around, wafting in the ether and needing a conduit… then, in 2016, Trump happened, the actual human lightening-rod for devastation and silly, and here we are now.
So, straight people rejoice. No longer will we be shackled with oppression. We’re now free to be straight without fear of anyone coming along and angrily forcing us to become gay against our will. Everyone can relax. Crisis averted.
Maybe some of you can now spend less than 99.7 % of your time obsessing about LGBTQ people and perhaps discover hobbies like gardening, bird watching, pottery, theatre, or perhaps, fashion and interior design.
Written by Steven W. Rouach
swrouach@gmail.com
FUN FACT: Every time you give a round of applause at the bottom of the page of one of my stories, I literally leap up and take a bow. True story.
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