Marvel Superheroes Reimagined
by someone who is fairly clueless on the original backstories
by Joe Varadi
The idea for this came to me over the New Year break, at our friends’ house watching our kids play a superhero board game.
Thom the Hammer
By day, he is Tom Hammerschmidt, editor-in-chief of the Washington Herald, scourge of section editors and berater of beat reporters. By night, he is Thom the Hammer. Yes, with an extra ‘h’ in Thom. Just to mess with the senior copy editor. Also to distinguish himself from former GOP Majority Whip Tom “the Hammer” DeLay. He will mercilessly squash your most promising leads, especially those about the sharing economy or the next hot cryptocurrency. His blunt instrument is no longer his voice, but an actual blunt instrument.
Superdad
By day, he is clumsy but lovable suburban dad Phil Dunphy, advocate of the “peerenting” method of relating to teenagers. By night, he is Superdad. Wherever a diaper needs changing, wherever a junior basketball league needs an extra coach, wherever marital tension needs diffusing with a cleverly timed double entendre, you will find — Superdad.
The Deep Tissue Damsel
By day, she is sexually liberated shiatsu massage therapist Brenda Chenowith, haunted by her memories of growing up as an overanalyzed child prodigy and alongside a bipolar brother. By night, she is The Deep Tissue Damsel. No personal problem is too perplexing, no stress too knotty, no emotional scar too thorny for her soothing voice and capable hands.
The Angry Creamsicle
By day, he is Donald J. Trump, reality television actor, known as the star of The Apprentice, and more recently of season 45 of the AMC period drama POTUS. By night, and especially between the hours of 3 a.m. to 6 a.m., he is The Angry Creamsicle (a.k.a. Boss Tweet, Trumplethinskin). Standing with legs astride on the nation’s borders, ready to deport anyone with a deeper orange complexion than his.
The Wage Gap Warrior Princess
By day, she is Claire Huxtable, matriarch extraordinaire, balancing her legal career with babysitting her spouse and five kids. Smarter, funnier, more stylish than her husband, she makes a fraction of his salary, or that of her white male colleagues. By night she is The Wage Gap Warrior Princess, tirelessly exposing payroll department records, and rebuking chauvinists and mansplainers with a single powerful finger snap and head roll.
Professor W
By day, he is terminally ill high school chemistry teacher turned shadowy drug producer and distributor, Walter White, creator of the purest crystal meth the Southwest has ever seen. Always the smartest person in the room, he has no trouble assuming the responsibilities of his alter ego, Professor W. Mentoring egotistical superhuman mutants? After a decade of dealing with rebellious high school slackers — a walk in the park. Foiling the world domination plans of devious masterminds? Come on — this guy brought down Tuco Salamanca, Gustavo Fring and half the Mexican cartel.
“Plus,” adds the academic underachiever, “I’ve always wanted to be called Professor…”
In the interest of full disclosure and avoiding trademark infringement lawsuits, here are the real Marvel superhero names, in order of mention: Thor, Superman, Black Widow, Captain America, Storm, Professor Charles Xavier.
Big shout-out to Jenny Wu and marjorie steele, who know a metric crap-ton more about this subject than I ever will.
