Me vs. SAMSUNG Electronics. A Hate / Hate Relationship.
There’s something you already have in your home that will kill you, — and it’s made by SAMSUNG
There’s an exciting feeling of anticipation when you get a new phone. The cool packaging,… tearing the shrink wrap, as you open the box and prepare to integrate it into your life.
If it’s a SAMSUNG phone, you’ll also have the exciting feeling of entering your NEW home if your SAMSUNG phone burned your old home down, and the excitement of starting a NEW family, if your old family was tragically trapped inside your old home with the phone and they didn’t make it out when it detonated.
Now, to be fair, there is a sizable percentage of Samsung phones that don’t explode, and instead, just stop working. Also, it’s important to ‘note’ that when Galaxy Note 7 owners first reported to Samsung that their phones were bursting into flames in ways that seemed like a combination of gasoline and military grade C4, Samsung customer service would respond as such:
Samsung Cust. Service Rep: Did you turn the phone on?
Samsung Customer: Yes.
Samsung Cust. Service Rep: Then it’s obviously your fault, goodbye.
However, once the problem was more widespread in the — bursting into flames on airplanes and in baby carriages — kind of way, Samsung immediately sprung into action and issued a general statement;
“A lot of people are using our phones incorrectly by not applying the emergency patch that makes it only possible to charge it 25% so it doesn’t go off like a World War 1 grenade that murders you and your family and any pets you might have, while you all sleep. Also, although none of this is our fault, at all, we’re recalling a small percentage of our phones, to re-release with different batteries that are less likely to go kaboom”.
Then, later, Samsung released this information,
“The phones we recalled and then re-released onto an unsuspecting public, promising that they’ll be fine now, are still exploding, so now is a GREAT time to purchase a Galaxy Note 7 and then leave it hidden in the house, or apartment, of someone you truly hate.”
Then, lastly, Samsung issued this:
“Fine, just send the phones back and we’ll reimburse what you spent on the phone, and some of your hospital bills.”
Besides Samsung’s regular Galaxy line of militarized munitions phones, they also have the “Galaxy J”, which is an excellent phone, unless you sneeze on it, then it’s an excellent doorstop, or its sleek design can be used to prop a short table leg.
Also, Samsung has made their phones way less likely to explode, as Samsung is ramping up its exciting technology in research, that instead, releases a cloud of poison gases (as part of their “The Cloud Nine Project”).
See, the big problem with Samsung is they DESIGN cool looking stuff, with cool features… BUT, here’s how they test their devices for quality control.
- A frightened Samsung tech. powers on the device.
- He LEAPS away as fast as he can behind a blast shield and covers his head and ears protectively.
- If he survives, he trepidatiously powers off the device with a long stick, and, once again, LEAPS behind the blast shield.
- If he’s still alive after this, the Samsung device he was testing for quality control is shipped out.
- Those devices then explode in people’s homes, who were foolish in not having a blast shield.
And then, there are Samsung’s AMAZING Washing Machines. If you read the Samsung Washing Machine instruction booklet it more than likely says:
“People whose heads are attached to their necks with just bones, muscle and skin, without armor, or chain mail, protecting them from decapitation, should NOT use our washing machines. Sorry that you had to read through the first 203 pages to find this out, we bury this info because we realize most people only read pages 1–5, the “How to turn it on” section, and not pages 6–213 the “Surviving use of this product” section”.
The reason for this (possibly…) being in their manual is that their washing machines do a WONDERFUL, wondrous, and fantastical thing when you turn them on. — The lids of their machines launch themselves at great velocity and come FLYING AT YOUR HEAD, LIKE A METAL FRISBEE THROWN BY THOR. Either breaking your jaw, neck or completely decapitating you, (if you were the type of daredevil who’d use a Samsung washing machine to wash their clothes).
Here’s something NOT funny and completely factual.
Last November, Samsung announced it was recalling nearly 3 million defective washing machines. But some consumers say the washers are still dangerous even after the company vowed to fix them. Those washing machines are in millions of homes right now. Some have shaken so violently that they explode. At least nine homeowners have reported injuries, including one report of a broken jaw. Some consumers are saying that Samsung is botching the recall, leaving them with potentially dangerous machines and no way out. “I’ve called numerous times, but I never get any calls back,” the owner of one washing machine affected by the recall told TODAY investigative correspondent Jeff Rossen.
Another washer owner, Britney Quimby, a mother of three, said, “I’m afraid to do laundry because it could hurt my kids.”
Lori Andrus, an attorney advising on a proposed class action suit against Samsung, called the affected washing machines “ticking time bombs in people’s homes. It might not have gone off yet; it might go off on the very next load.”
Inspiring words, indeed.
Samsung responded by issuing a general statement. (Note that this isn’t verbatim but filtered through my own memory).
“Many of you have some Samsung product in your home. These can all be detonated remotely by us to cause much death and suffering. Anyone who vexes us will feel our wrath. If you call our customer service lines, expect to be abused and ignored in equal measure, and then put on a list for termination if you continue trying to contact us. Thank you for buying Samsung electronics products, even though they were all designed to kill you because we truly, truly hate you.”
Sobering thoughts, indeed.
Now, let’s discuss Samsung’s line of televisions in a serious, non-satirical manner.
There was much ado when it was discovered that Samsung smart TV’s listen to their owners, providing Samsung with marketing info and preferences. This is real.
“Please be aware that if your spoken words include personal or other sensitive information, that information will be among the data captured and transmitted to a third party through your use of Voice Recognition.” — Samsung
Isn’t THAT fun? As an added bonus, Samsung doesn’t properly encrypt this data when it sends it home over the internet.
YAY!
Aside from all that, Samsung TV’s have a breathtaking picture, right up until 6–10 minutes after your one year Samsung Warranty expires, which is when it will stop working. Although, there are a FEW Samsung TV’s that will still turn on after this period but will have thick lines running across the screen, for people who enjoy seeing thick lines over their favorite television shows.
I’ve previously alluded to Samsung using very poor capacitors in their televisions (by claiming Samsung uses human teeth in lieu of capacitors, quite likely, South Korean human teeth, which is why their TV’s look stunning, right up until the moment the warranty expires).
And if you’ve never experienced Samsung’s AMAZING customer service, here’s how the call will more or less go.
“Hello. You’ve reached Samsung customer service, WHY are you bothering us instead of just dying today, and how can we help you, someone who’s idiotic enough to purchase one of our products? Please press -1 to be connected to an agent who will verbally abuse you, or press -2 for an agent who’ll verbally abuse you and then threaten you with violence. You can also press -3 if you’ve already been abused and would like someone to never, ever, call you back under any circumstances, even by accident.”
I only hope this article will save some lives and frustrations to others.
Written By Steven W. Rouach
- FUN FACT: Every time you give a round of applause at the bottom of the page of one of my stories, I literally leap up and take a bow. True story.
- If You Follow Me, I Will Lead You Into Nonsense.
- Here’s my Facebook group (Join Us!!) https://www.facebook.com/groups/punchedbyasnowflake/
- If you’d like to support my writing, by helping to keep me alive, you can do so here: https://www.patreon.com/StevenRouach
c2017 swrouach
