Mitch’s Meltdown

Secret Letter Shows McConnell is Cracking Up

A crumpled, hand-written letter was recently recovered from the trash of the former Majority Leader of the Senate. The penmanship is badly scrawled as to be almost illegible, thus a transcription of the text is provided here, as follows. Where noted, the text is badly smeared with liquid stains (single malt? tears? both?) or crossed out with corrections as to be indecipherable.

United States Senate
Office of the Majority Leader
Addison Mitchell McConnell Jr.

My Fellow Americans,

I am sorry.

I knew not what I wrought.

That fuc [smear] concertina razor wire topping the chain link fencing now surrounding the prestigious Capitol Building reminds me, daily, of my last visit to Kabul.

It is true. I must admit it, at last. My party, the Grand Old Party, the Party of Lincoln, the Republicans, has turned our nation’s capital into a war-torn sorry-assed, excuse of a [smear].

It all began so well, so hopeful. Yes, we had our doubts. I know I did. House Speaker Boehner and that [smear] lapdog of a [smear] Paul Ryan tried to convince me that my fears were groundless.

I even worked myself into a pitch of denial and tried to find a way to explain to my caucus that Tuesday, November 8, 2016, was not the disaster it appeared to be. I said, I fear, “The schmuck clearly cannot read. He will sign whatever bill we put in front of him.”

I was wrong.

That [smear] orange baboon can read. He just chooses not to.

All he cares about is seeing himself on television, every night, every day, every moment possible. He cares not what destruction, what chaos, what pain and suffering he causes the nation to get himself on tv.

Or what degradation, what humiliation he causes for this party to which I have dedicated my entire [smear] life.

He cares only for his next [smear], his cheesebu [smear] and godd [smear] big titted [smear].

As if he could ever get it [smear] without the help of that little blue [smear]!

But, in a larger sense, I want the American People to know that I have always stood by them. History may judge me, and find me wanting, but I know that my heart was [smear] in the [smear].

Some may say that I am the bitch who does only the bidding of the billionaires, such as Sheldon Adelson, may he rest in peace, or the Koch Brothers, or the Mercers or the [smear] and [smear].

They are wrong. I have always stood for tough love. For pulling your life up by your own bootstraps, instead of living on handouts from an over-weening government that gives out goodies to the lazy, the [smear] and the uppity women who should be [smear], [smear] and laid out flat on their [smear] where they belong, instead of shooting off their [smear] mouths [smear]

[long, illegible scrawl, smeared by several brown stains]

I am here. They can pry me out of this office with their cold dead fingers.

I mean, my cold dead fingers!

I am here. I am Mitch!

[smear]

✦ ✦ ✦ ✦

Hope you enjoyed that. More of my humor and satire here.