Oh Mon Dieu! Transcript of President Trump’s French State Dinner Remarks
Transcript de Remarks de Dinner au Maison Blanche, du L’Homme Orange des Etats-Unis
April 24, 2018
Courtesy of TASS News Agency/Russia Today
(WASHINGTON, DC) Following is a transcript of President Donald Trump’s remarks at tonight’s state dinner honoring French President Emmanuel Macron.
Thank you. Or mercy, as Emmanuel might say. Not Emmanuelle from the, you know…movies. I mean the President. Well, he is president of France, but I think that is still president. They call you Mr. President, right? Or Monsieur President. In any event, on behalf of America, I say to you and Brigitte, Ciao. Welcome to the very historic White House. Or Mason Blanch as the French people would say if they had a presidential home like ours. On behalf of Melania, our terrific First Lady, and about 36% of America, I welcome you, Emmanuel, and your very beautiful wife. I have often joked about your wife that, perhaps if she were my daughter, I’d be dating her.
Many people don’t know this, but the relationship between France and The United States goes back many, many decades. Centuries even, really. If you think about it. And in all that time, the relationship is stronger today than it has ever been. Well, maybe at least since Franklin, but probably then, too.
France and The United States also have a history of making beautiful deals together. Many people don’t realize this, but France once owned Louisiana. But we bought it from you for $24 dollars in trinkets. That was back when we made great deals in our country. Many people are saying I might be the greatest dealmaker since Jefferson, but probably more than him even, I don’t know. He was negotiating with Napoleon, who I don’t even think was a real person, he was a character in books. The one with the hat and the hand in the shirt thing. I have made deals with some tough cookies. Real tough cookies. People who have been negotiating circles around our politicians until I came along.
Our two nations have many, many beautiful things in common. The color of our flags for example. They are both red, white, and blue. Even though you guys spell “blue” wrong, Emmanuel. And in France, your football players — though that’s really soccer…many people don’t know that what you guys call football is really called soccer…your football players stand for your flag, unlike here with the failing NFL. Total disgrace. It’s a terrible thing what they’re doing. But it’s going to stop. It has to. And I will stop it. Believe me.
Also, many of our great Americans were once French. Jerry Lewis for example. And one of our great governors, Paul LePage. I call him Pepe le Page, like your famous skunk. He’s doing a terrific job. Where is he? Paul, stand up. Where are you? Stand up. You want to say something? He doesn’t. This is the one time he’s shy. But he’s got a lot of really beautiful things to say. Believe me. He’s doing a great job in Maine. Before he won his election, the place was horrible. Is there a French word for horrible, Emmanuel? He says “horrible.” Ha! They use our word. It is a great word, I don’t blame you. So it was horrible. And now it is great. He has made Maine great again.
But our nations enjoy a special bond. During the American Revolution, we let France help us. Many people don’t realize this, but Marky Delafayette interned under George Washington. We named one of our beautiful parks after him. Delafayette Park. Melania and I have often said that on one of the days we are in the White House together, we should drive over there sometime. Actually, they won’t let me drive. So I’ll get a ride over. Which is sad. No one drives better than me, believe me. Do they let you drive? No? Do you have a Le Car? You must because the tariff on American cars is so high. We’ve been treated very badly by France. And by the whole world really. Very badly. Horrible deals that previous administrations cut. So you must be very happy with us, Emmanuel.
(Macron, off microphone: que le fuck?)
But you make very beautiful products yourselves. I am not opposed to trade. I just want the best deals for America. And for France. And the whole world really.
Your nation invented French fries, French toast, French kissing, and French bread. Well that was pretty much Italy. But yours is good too. We have the best French bread at Trump Hotel. Emmanuel told me it is the best French Bread he has ever had. He’s right. Very beautiful bread. But the press won’t write about it. Many of them tell me about the bread privately but then won’t write about it. So dishonest. That’s why I didn’t invite them here. Even if I did, they’re so lazy they wouldn’t even RSVP. I’m not sure if RSVP translates well into French — it’s American shorthand for accepting or declining an invitation. Terrific word. English is a beautiful language. I’ve often asked people why there are still some countries that don’t use it. I mean, not many countries use French anymore. There’s France, the liberal parts of Canada, and I guess some shitho…umm, African places. I never understood that. Africa is a beautiful country. I don’t know why they don’t speak English, after all America has done for those people. Anyway, I didn’t invite the lying media. Do you have that problem in France? What do you call them? Never mind. I already know. Le fake news.
But I did invite you here. You and Brigitte. And let me just say Brigitte has a terrific figure, especially for her age. She reminds me of Bridgette Bardot. You aren’t Bridgette Bardot, right, Brigitte? Ha…she isn’t saying anything. She’s shy. But Bridgette Bardot…I believe she was French too, right? Right. Many people don’t realize that. Beautiful woman. Well not now, but when she was younger. Very beautiful. Reminds me of Ivanka.
So that is why I invited you here today to this very special dinner…well, it’s not really a dinner. There’s really just no word for what we have here tonight. And Emmanuel told me that I am the first US President ever to invite him to the White House for dinner. The first. No one had ever done that before. And he tells me I am very popular in France. Very popular. The people there, he says, were upset that we weren’t doing this in France. But I do love your country. And your military parades. That is a very, very special thing. You should see it. They have this big parade with military. I love military. Nobody understands military better than me. And nuclear. Believe me. I do military better than any president before, so I am going to have a parade for our very special veterans, whom I love. I love them. I do. And we are starting to say that again in our country. They are special people. Very special.
Thank you, God Bless the United States and, well France, too I guess, right? And the whole world really.
(off microphone, Trump: no, no, Brigitte, you sit here, next to me. It’s protocol. Want a Tic Tac?)
(off microphone, Brigitte: oh mon dieu. Quel un creep.)
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