Paul Ryan Grants Himself Pre-Existing Condition Waiver For His Hemorrhoids

McConnell’s “Turtle Face Complex” and Preibus’ “Flimsy Spine Condition” also get exemptions under Republican health care bill

His eyes water and his mouth squeezes shut in pain every time the House Speaker eliminates — but with the signing of yesterday’s bill he’ll be fully covered for his Preparation-H. (Credit: The Daily Signal)

After engineering the passage of a bill to repeal and replace Obamacare, Republicans celebrated the elimination of health insurance coverage for up to 24 million of the most vulnerable Americans.

Mr. Trump’s smile seems to say, “I have no idea why these people are here, but if they’re clapping and smiling, let them stay.” (Credit: CNBC)

Gathering in the White House Rose Garden with President Trump and dozens of Congressional Republicans, House Speaker Paul Ryan said, “Republicans are committed to keeping our promise to lift the burden of Obamacare from insurance companies whose profits are down, while stripping coverage from the old, the chronically ill, minorities, those with pre-existing conditions, children, poor families, and a host of other deadbeats.”

After Rep. Scalise took a bow for rescuing Americans from Obamacare, millions contacted his office to to tell him where to stick it. You can, too at https://scalise.house.gov/.

Rep. Steve Scalise, echoing the speaker’s sentiments, said that the vote was about “rescuing families from the failures of Obamacare.” However, several million Americans called Mr. Scalise’s office shortly after passage of the bill to let him know that they did not need rescuing.

They also wanted him to know that they didn’t appreciate him lying to the public about virtually every provision of the bill before it came up for a vote.

Most troubling for critics of the bill are provisions in the legislation that allow for numerous Republican lawmakers and Trump administration officials to retain their generous health insurance coverage despite conditions that are deemed “pre-existing,” and therefore not covered for millions of other Americans.

“The Republicans just granted themselves waivers for the exact same conditions that will no longer be covered for everyone else,” said Nancy Pelosi, Democratic Minority Leader of the House. “It’s a travesty.”

Democrats offered these examples:

Paul Ryan’s “Case of Painful Hemorrhoids:” While you’re bleeding, itching, and screaming with every bowel movement, Ryan is going to get a nice fat check from his insurance company for his ailing ass.

Vice-President Mike Pence’s “Chronic Christian Female Allergy:” Pence is quick to point out that he doesn’t hate women, he just can’t get too close to them because he breaks out in patches of itchy red hives that form the likeness of the Mother Mary. The new bill covers his weekly allergy shots.

Post-Dramatic Dress Syndrome is no laughing matter, as Sean Spicer can tell you.

Sean Spicer’s “Post-Dramatic Dress Syndrome:” The symptoms are cruel — an inability to recognize an ill-fitting suit, throwing on shirts with ridiculously large collars, or donning a stupid-looking tie. This syndrome not only causes men to make fools of themselves, it is often accompanied by uncontrollable sweating, inability to find words, bursts of anger during press conferences punctuated by pathological lying. Spicer will retain his coverage.

Reince Preibus’ “Flimsy Spine Condition:” Also known as “Backbone Misplacement,” many Republicans suffer from a similar condition, typically having its onset in the past year. But Preibus’ flare-ups occur almost daily causing sudden weakness with related mealy-mouth.

Mitch McConnell’s “Turtle Face Complex:” When you look exactly like a turtle you are in danger of your head slipping down into your shirt at any moment. McConnell also needs regular doses of an adrenaline compound to keep from moving so slowly that his heart stops beating. He snuck a clause into the revised Republican health bill to keep himself heavily medicated.

The next word out of his mouth will offend you — but he can’t control it.

Steve Bannon’s “Racist Tourette’s Syndrome:” People afflicted with this embarrassing disorder have a compulsion to utter obscenities, profanities, and derogatory remarks. They might even blurt out racist or ethnic slurs upsetting everyone around them. In Bannon’s case, it appears he’s just an ugly, mother-fucking racist, but he receives treatment for the condition anyway.

The bill now goes to the Senate where it is expected to fall flat on its face.

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