Post-apocalyptic Cage Match Between Trump And McConnell
GUNK: Well, well, welcome to the ANGERDOOOOOOOME!
OOZE: YEEEES! The Angerdoooooome!
GUNK: It’s quite a crowd we have gathered today!
OOZE: That’s right, Gunk! Everyone has come to see today’s gladiators tear each other apart with the underwhelming speed and resentful determination of wasteland zombies!
GUNK: Here’s our first gladiator, President Trump.
OOZE: Oh the crowd seems generally jeer-y.
GUNK: Fake news, Ooze. Fake newsssszzzz. I see about a dozen of his supporters right there.
OOZE: That’s true, Gunk. We’re seeing some strong support from the nuked cannibal clan. Not great conversationalists, but man are they amazing at coming up with steak tartare.
GUNK: Indeed, indeed. I hear it’s all grass-fed.
OOZE: Delicious.
GUNK: Ah, there’s the other contender, Mitchy Let’s-Bring-Back-Eugenics McConnell!
OOZE: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. There is NO support for this man. Right now there are more people burning his effigy than not burning his effigy… Two of the guys in the biker gang just threw up, but to be fair that may just be radiation poisoning.
GUNK: Well, this seems like a poorly-planned pairing.
OOZE: I know right? Two villains!? Who are we supposed to root for?
GUNK: Zero emotional investment here, Ooze, ZE-RO.
OOZE: Well, there’s always Schadenfreude, Gunk.
GUNK: Yes! Good old Schadenfreude. Thank Satan’s Son, Barry, for Schadenfreude.
OOZE: I thank Barry for Schadenfreude every day, Gunk. I have this gratitude list I go through at night. Did I tell you about it?
GUNK: No. You. Did. Not. And you know how much I love rituals.
OOZE: It really frees up the mind. I’ll tell you about it later.
GUNK: Yes, please do!
(GONNNNNNNNNNNNNG)
GUNK: Ah, that’s the pre-match gong. The ref is going over the rules right now. There are no limits to how the contenders can harm each other, but he’s begging them to try to not make racist remarks during the brief match.
OOZE: For anyone who has recently gotten out of their underground bunker, the Angerdome is how we have decided to resolve disputes now that the social contract has been dissolved. That and trial by wolf.
GUNK: And for anyone who just came down from the international space station, trial by wolf is when two parties explain their dispute to a rabid wolf and then each extends their non-dominant hand. Whoever gets it bitten off first wins the case.
OOZE: That’s how I got my chainsaw implant!
GUNK: Everyone knows that, Ooze. Hush! I think it’s about to start.
(AAAGHHAAAAARGHHHHL)
OOZE: Yes! The anguished cry of a desert widow signals the start of the match!
GUNK: Hm…
OOZE:… ummm.
GUNK: The contenders are not moving.
OOZE: It seems they’re just making faces at each other.
GUNK: Trump looks like he swallowed a lemon tree.
OOZE: And McConnell’s face is Napoleon’s death mask contorted in pain.
GUNK: Ahhh, the ref is holding up a coiled snake.
OOZE: This means that if the fight doesn’t get interesting soon, four barrels of rattlesnakes will rain down on the gladiators.
GUNK: Ah, it has an effect, Trump has just kicked some dirt on McConnell’s Burberry loafers.
OOZE: Ohhh, and they’re such a rare good in post-America America!
GUNK: McConnell bends down to sweep the dirt off of his loafers! Big! Mis! Take!
OOZE: Trump just lets himself fall on top of McConnell, pinning him down.
GUNK: Look at McConnell struggling!
OOZE: 236 pounds of malicious bad ideas is a heavy burden, Gunk!
GUNK: Ahh, but McConnell manages to wriggle out like a sandworm!
OOZE: It now seems both men have taken off their ties and each will attempt to strangle the other with it.
GUNK: Ohhhh, though they’ve both gotten decent holds it seems they are both too weak for a proper strangle.
OOZE: This just looks like the most awkward ballroom dancing ever.
GUNK: A-ha! It seems the ref has lost his patience and has signaled for the rattlesnake drop.
OOZE: And there go the rattlesnakes! Trump is just running around screaming “don’t tread on me”.
GUNK: McConnell is attempting to bury his head in the ground.
OOZE: Well, nothing left to see here.
GUNK: Now, our advice is everyone go fetch your spears. If you’re quick you could enjoy some delectable rattlesnake tapas around the flaming trash can tonight.
OOZE: Who will be our next gladiators? Find out next week, at the Angerdome!
—
If you enjoyed this you might like some of my other pieces. These seemed to be popular:
- Bannon Exits White House To Pull Strings More Comfortably From Own Couch
- Stephen Miller Inaugurates The Antiheroic Epic,
- Furniture Resigns From Trump’s Manufacturing Council
- Protecting White People from Affirmative Action Is Not Enough,
- Spicer Resigns To Spend More Time With Props,
- 4 Other Places Where David Brooks’ Friend Got Uncomfortable,
- Job Prospects For The Mooch,
- Trump’s crazy attorney issues an apology.
