President Trump Launches Counter-Witchcraft Investigation Into Clinton Campaign and the FBI.

Lo and behold as Donald Trump, Slayer of Liberals, alleges that 2016 Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton used her powers to resist a summon spell conjured by Republican mages in the US House of Representatives.

Also, by what devilry does one “acid wash” an electronic communication?

This most recent incantation from the President is but the latest in a series of accusations leveled against Secretary Clinton and her allies in the intelligence community, suggesting that they took part in a dark-sided conspiracy to surveil Mr. Trump’s campaign, not do anything with the information they gathered, set an FBI trap to lose the election, and ruin the Trump presidency by making up things that mostly turn out to be true. Leading sorcery experts caution that this logic may, indeed, be difficult to follow for those unfamiliar with the black art of 21st century rhetorical bullshitcraft. Nevertheless, President Trump’s personal familiar, Attorney General William Barr, is said to be investigating the conspiracy’s origins in what has been described as a 100%, real-deal witch hunt and nothing at all like the phony witch hunt that special prosecutor Robert Mueller led against the Trump campaign.

It’s much better than the Democrat one, that I can tell you.

Mystics are conflicted about whether Barr’s inquiry will lead to arrests and whether all of this is anything more or less than absurd political theater masquerading in the guise of a constitutional crisis. Said a representative for the cabal that controls everything: “Social discord is up, infrastructure is crumbling and working people are poorer now than ever before. But, hey, they still haven’t destroyed the two-party system. I guess the curse is holding up pretty well after all.”