Truth in Satire
President Trump Suggests Replacement For Contraception
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following the release of a leaked memo, the Trump Administration admitted they plan to introduce a replacement for modern birth control methods such as the pill; they plan to tell women who they bar from using contraception to use the notoriously unreliable “calendar method” instead.
“It works so great. I have to tell you. It’s so good, I’ve been using it with all my wives, and it’s why I only have my one child, Ivanka,” Mr. Trump told reporters. “I’ve even told my aides, Eric and Donald Jr. that they should try it. I don’t like the idea of doctors telling me what to do, like with vaccines, which cause cancer by the way, and so I prefer to have my live-in girlfriend-experiences practice birth control from the middle ages.”
Other items included in the leaked memo are Trump’s plans to have the department of agriculture push for the reintroduction of oxen, the Navy to invest billions in oar technology, and the US military use only muskets. The American public will of course, continue to be allowed to buy AR-15s with bump stocks.
