President Trump to share the gift of military deferment with transgendered Americans

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Today, noted egalitarian President Donald Trump bestowed a communal bone spur upon the transgendered community.

“To sexually confused transgendered people, I say this: You are welcome,” the president announced on Twitter. “Please enjoy this gift. I insist.”

This mandatory offering comes amidst a series of altruistic actions from the president, including government-sponsored Russian language lessons for all registered voters and free castration for citizens of Mexican descent.

“How can you nonconsensually grab a woman by her pussy if she doesn’t have one?” Trump asked on his now daily Infowars radio address.

“Trans people are here to convert our brains to human salsa for the gay aliens that rule our planet,” yelled Presidential Advisor Alex Jones.

Prominent LGBTQ advocate Mike Pence claims the president is calmer than ever, now that he is officially “the most giving and humble president of all time.”

“I have beautiful bone spurs!” Trump told elf porn superstar and U.S. Attorney General Jeff Sessions. “They’re the best. Of course they were made by money. The most money. In the biggest house you’ve ever seen, not some trash dump like the White House.”

“President Donald Trump is a giver,” said former husband to O.J.’s defender’s wife Caitlyn Jenner. “He’s giving us the thing he’s cares about most. He’s giving us freedom.”