Rapist Relocation Hotline

Arkansas Cutting New Ground

LITTLE ROCK — “This is our chance to reverse our declining birth rate.”

Nathaniel Benedict, deacon of New Hope Saviors In Christ, Little Rock, declared himself “pleased as punch” with a newly passed anti-arbotion law.

He was careful to emphasize that his views are his alone and not those of the Southern Baptist Convention, with whom New Hope claims affiliation, much less of the church, itself.

Nevertheless, Deacon Benedict is an avowed supporter of the Arkansas Unborn Child Protection Act, the most restrictive such decree in the nation, just passed by the state legislature. The bill, which Governor Asa Hutchinson quickly signed into law, prohibits abortions, even in cases of rape.

“It’s open season on defenseless women in Arkansas,” claimed Beth Williams, director of the Mary Magdalene Center for the Abused. “The bastards’ll be hunting down poor girls by the score. And this new helpline just makes it worse.”

Williams is referring to a little known Rapist Relocation Hotline (RRH), just founded and said to be funded by Benedict’s privately owned business — Nat’s Used Cars on Colonel Glenn Road, just off Interstate 430.

Calling the hotline, one hears a hearty “Welcome Future Razorback! We’re Here To Help!” Following the salutation is a menu to help rapists “find a new start” in Arkansas, providing information about “lodgings, jobs, and other social services available to the newly relocated.”

Benedict denied any connection with the hotline, though a member of his sales force, speaking without attribution, confirmed that “calls for RRH run through the main switchboard, dozens every day.”

Either way, the owner claimed the hotline to be “an idea whose time has come.”

“Think about it,” he said. “I got nothing against Brown babies, so long as they stay south of the Wall. Hell, I got nothing against Black babies, until they both start crowding out White babies. It’s time we reverse that trend.”

He believes that the new law will encourage “men wanting babies” to move in such overwhelming numbers to the Razorback State that there will be a dramatic demographic shift by the end of the year.

“Depend upon it. Lots of White babies will be arriving by Christmas,” he said with a bright smile.

Asked if he was suggesting that White men were more likely to rape women than men of other skin tones, he waved away the question, repeating only, “Christmas, you’ll see.”

“Tina,” a client of Mary Magdalene’s who did not wish to use her name isn’t waiting for a rapist to move in from out of state. Her boyfriend “celebrated” the passage of the new law by forcing her to have sex without birth control.

“He was drunk,” she said, her eyes brimming with tears. “He jammed my pills down the trash compactor, cuz my momma won’t sign for some new ones. Then he threw me up against the fridge and…took me.”

“Tina” is not old enough to be prescribed birth control pills without a parent’s signature.

When told of Tina’s experience, Deacon Benedict merely chuckled and smiled. “Well, that’s how the cookie crumbles here in the Heartland. She’ll change her tune come Christmas.”

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Hope you enjoyed that. More of my humor and satire here.