Rick Perry Explains How Fossil Fuels Prevent Sexual Assault
Energy Secretary Rick Perry was recently talking about the importance of fossil fuels and had some groundbreaking insight to share. When talking about saving lives by bringing power to African villages he noted [for real]:
“But also from the standpoint of sexual assault. When the lights are on, when you have light that shines, the righteousness, if you will, on those types of acts.”
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We reached out to Secretary Perry to ask him to please give us some background on this comment. Here is the statement he released:
“I don’t know why ladies are so worked up about this. Everyone knows that when the lights are out, stuff gets funky. In the dark -or as I like to call it, The D@rkk- ghosts are emboldened, mosquitoes exist and dogs dilate. And who needs that, right? Dogs can already be such a chore to care for, why would we want them to take up even more space? I mean, using fossil fuels is plain common sense.
And you know what? Just in general, I resent being told that I don’t get lady-stuff. I get harassment, I feel you, girlies. As you may have noticed, I am 1/2 sentient muppet, from my father’s side. So as a member of a minority, not a day goes by without someone remarking on how words my sense don’t make. Or they tell me “ooooh, you don’t use LOGIC… wahhhh, you don’t STAND for anything”. Well, buddy, you’d have a hard time standing for anything if you were made of felt! It’s so hard that sometimes when I fall down I just lay there, collecting dust-bunnies for weeks at a time, in want of a generous human hand to pick me up and put me to some sort of use. Sigh.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that streetlights need to be powered and we can’t rely on alternative energy sources for that. Do you want to entrust your safety to the WIND? To the SUN? What are you, a pagan freak? Tell you what, next time Antifa breaks into your house, call a druid, see how that works out for you. I bet it doesn’t go that well, is what I’m saying.
In conclusion, we need fossil fuels to watch our back if we want to make the touchdown and win the big game. The state championship is coming in and nobody has time to mess with renewable energies. Expanding the use of fossil fuels will give Americans and the other half of the world the freedom to not get raped. And that’s that.
Sincerely,
Rickchard Perry
Secretary of The Energy of Your United States”
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