Sean Spicer Lands Job At FOX News, “Spicer in Shrubbery” Segments Will Air This Week
“Stay Out The Bushes”
Ahh, new beginnings. It’s like when I left my former life; as someone who pretended to be a surgeon, and performed operations on people as a way to practice medicine, despite having no real, nor imagined, actual medical training.
Sometimes, due to circumstances beyond our control (such as all known laws), we have to reinvent ourselves and start a new life.
This is what’s happening with Sean Spicer. After a brief tour of his one man show “An Evening With Melissa McCarthy” (in which Spicer performed eerily dead-on impressions of Melissa McCarthy in reenactments of Ghostbusters, Bridesmaids, Spy, etc, which WOWED critics), Spicer has now accepted a job at FOX NEWS, (America’s most trusted source of news-based sexual harassment and abuse).
Spicer will have his own segment called “Spicer in Shrubbery”, in which Spicer interviews various newsmakers, and political figures, while almost completely hidden in shrubbery.
This is similar to another new FOX News segment: “Petting Zoo Politics With Jason Chaffetz”, where Chaffetz offers political analysis while being hand-fed kibble by various political figures, and non-allergic celebrities.
I caught up with Sean Spicer, whose legs and body type aren’t conducive to fast walking, and who was also, very excited about his new segment.
Me: Hi again Sean.
Spicer: Hi Steve,… wow your long legs make it very easy for you to catch up with me.
Me: Truer words never spoken. So, the last time we spoke you had just started your Hall & Oates tribute band with Marc “Man-Eater” Kasowitz. By the way, your Oates mustache looks even MORE fantastic than last time!
Spicer: Thanks, I’m really very, very proud of it.
Me: So, let’s talk about your new FOX News segment .
Spicer: I’m very excited about it. It’s called “Spicer in Shrubbery”, and I interview the biggest political newsmakers of the day, while almost completely obscured in shrubbery. My first segment was filmed with me in a rose bush, but that turned out to be a thorn in my side, due to actual thorns penetrating all sides of me. So, then I did a second segment in a regular bush, where only my head from the mustache up is visible, while interviewing James Comey, who said “Lordy, you really are hiding in a bush for this interview!”. Later on, when we need a boost in ratings, we have some specials planned where I hide in various topiary animals carved into large hedges, so we’re all very excited about those.
Me: What do you miss most about your previous job?
Spicer: Seriously? You’re honestly asking that?
Me: Sure, why not.
Spicer: Well,… there was a certain sense of… satisfaction,… on days I avoided being physically bitten by Donald Trump. I’d always try to position myself to have Reince Priebus standing between me and Trump, which is why Priebus has been seen with multiple bite marks on all his exposed skin, and has taken to wearing a bee-keeper’s outfit at all times he’s in, or near, the White House.
Me: Wow. Sounds like an intense work environment. Now, when we all first met Sean Spicer, it was after Trump’s inauguration, which has since been referred to as “the most viewed and eagerly anticipated event since : A Concert For Change- The Philharmonic Orchestra Performs The Music Of Leif Garrett”… At the time, you said it was seen by more people than: the Beatles on Sullivan, the moon landing, and the last episode of MASH, combined, and also times a thousand. Do you still stand by that statement?
Spicer: Well, looking back on it now, there were probably like sixteen people there, in actuality, all of whom were KKK members. We then hastily assembled cardboard-cutouts of people, to make it look like a bigger crowd, which is why Trump’s inauguration looked so much like the cover of “Sgt. Pepper’s”. You can actually see Sonny Liston, Edgar Allan Poe, Laurel & Hardy, and Shirley Temple in the crowd, if you look closely.
Me: So you were forced to exaggerate the size of the crowd?
Spicer: I’d like to say at gunpoint,… but Bannon actually had the gun just pointed in my general direction, as opposed to putting it right up to my head, but the message was clear.
Me: What else can you tell us about Donald Trump, now that you’re out of the reach of his teeth and jaws?
Spicer: I could never disparage him directly, so I’ll just say I can’t confirm that he’s NOT a ferret-faced-people-biting-complete-lunatic, who everyone with a lick of sense realizes is a blight upon humanity and sanity, and whose goals are to hurt the people who voted for him in every conceivable way, as he further colludes with Russia to destroy our democracy. I also can’t confirm he goes on bi-weekly golf trips that cost the US taxpayers untold millions, obstructs justice, launders Russian money as he passes Russia classified information, and works tirelessly to get rid of Russian sanctions. And I also can’t confirm that every idea, notion, and whim he has, is to financially benefit Donald Trump, and the richest of his friends, as he angrily demands giant tax cuts for the richest 400 families in the US.
Me: Yeah, tell us something we DON’T know… Also, If you could have done anything different, what would it have been?
Spicer: I would have found a way to go back in time to make sure my parents never meet, which would have erased me from this timeline.
Written By Steven W. Rouach
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