Smelly, Stinky, Poohy
I’m not suggesting it’s the only reason any of you read the nonsense I write on Medium — some of you come here by mistake and then compound your error by not leaving again. But, by far and away the majority of you, I suspect, do so in the hope that I will, eventually, once again, make you laugh in horror the way I did that first (or those first few) time(s) ¹.
So, I’m going to talk about my bowel movements ².
Okay, okay, I’m not really.
It’s bad enough having them, isn’t it? Without reliving the experience unnecessarily.
Which is why I frequently put them off for as long as possible because … look, do I really have to spell it out? Having a bowel movement involves, as you are well aware yourself, things — unpleasant things that we, none of us, would wish to dwell upon here (or, indeed, anywhere, but, especially not in public).
Well, I say you’re well aware, but, of course, if you’re a girl/woman, you aren’t, are you? Because girls/women (like teachers and royalty) don’t have bowel movements — no more than they pass wind or masturbate (no, I’ve no idea who buys all the sex toys either ³). Instead, as we saw above, they do yoga, run/jog, or go to the gym.
Girls/women/teachers/royalty … ooh, and employers … aside though, you don’t need me to tell you what’s involved in the process and I’ll just draw a discreet veil over the topic now, if I may.
But I had you going there for a moment, eh? For one fear-filed instant, that lasted a lifetime in a second, you thought, heart in mouth, I was going to talk (in graphic detail) about taking a dump.
And not just any dump but my dump — someone else’s dump … which is nasty.
I’m not though, as I’m sure you’re (ha) relieved to know.
And, as long as you don’t think about it … (Don’t think about ̶e̶l̶e̶p̶h̶a̶n̶t̶s̶ me taking a sh*t!) … all will be well, won’t it?
Hey ho, well, that’s really all I came to say … or rather not … today.
Hope you enjoyed it and were reminded why you haven’t unfollowed me.
But I’ve got to go and do something … yeah, that’s it, that’s the word I want, ‘something’ … else … something secret … now.
So, l8rz, peeps.
Have some education in the meantime.
[Note to self: How the Hell am I gonna tag this!?] ⁶
—
¹ It’s why E. Scott Alighieri is still here after all this time.
² I mean … why stop talking sh*t now, right?
³ I wonder though … are they how girls/women are able to avoid bowel movements? Do they use them to plug their …? ⁴
⁴ The mind boggles.
⁵ https://medium.com/@WhereAngelsFearToTread/hypocrisy-917cd0dbc590
⁶ OMFG, there’s actually a Bowel Movement tag!⁴
