Spokesman: POTUS Thought Dow Avg Was Supposed to Go Down
“Look, he was just a little confused about which direction the line on the graph was supposed to go.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House spokesman Sarah Sanders announced today that the reason for the plunging stock market is not incompetence on the part of the Fed, nor is it due to the impulsive, increasingly unhinged, false, and contradictory statements made by the President about his administration, his trade war with China, or the government shutdown. She added that it was definitely not due to the statements made by Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin, whose tweets today amounted to assuring the markets that he had checked, and could say for sure that most of the world is definitely not on fire.
Rather, it is due to a simple misunderstanding, as President Trump just didn’t know that the line on the graph should go up and to the right, not down and to the right, up and to the left, away, or sideways toward the reader.
“President Trump isn’t playing 2D chess, he’s playing 3D chess. So naturally, he thinks lots of 2D things should be 3D, like graphs of the stock market, and frankly, I think that’s probably how it should be,” said a visibly pained Sarah Sanders, as she flagellated herself for her sin of lying.
“Have any of you considered that maybe there’s another metric for measuring the health of a stock market other than its monetary value? ‘How much is it worth?’ Jesus! Is money all any of you care about? What about feelings? Have you ever asked the S&P 500 how it felt? Well? Have you?” she shot at Jim Acosta, seated in the front row. “At the end of the day, it’s not like President Trump linked the success of his administration to the success of the stock market.”
