Anti-Everything, Believe-Anything Voters
2017 years after the birth of christ if he ever existed, our new president’s inaugural is a stark reminder that some people really will believe almost anything. However dubious.
Based on the president’s speech, it’s safe to say his voters believe in macho jesus. And followers of warrior christ eagerly defend all the things that alternatively either make America great, or will make it great again.
Not so great
Depending upon which part of the last century you ask them. 50 years ago in the good ole days it was god, country, mom, and apple pie. Nowadays it’s indecent and utterly illogical.
These tireless defenders of family values are at the same time those most dedicated to defending and preserving the vast, boggling constellation of dumpsterfire pop culture options arrayed against their godly convictions.
Nonstop sports, ultimate fighting, fast food, action movies, special effects, first person shooters, reality tv, celebrities, hypersex desensitization, and rights at all costs and everyone else’s expense. Considerably less wholesome than the golden days of yore back before the president’s golden showers.
These people like to claim they don’t change. That the world just changes around them. Beg to differ for the most part. World hasn’t changed that much. A pasty he-man womun hater from New York is president. Welcome back, Messieurs Roosevelt, Cleveland, Arthur, Fillmore, and Van Buren.
This shit was normalized years ago. The only shocking thing is that people are somehow still shocked. Because the new president simply unifies under one big toxic tent all the worst component parts of his numerous vulgar hypocrite predecessors. For a quick pick me up, just pause to consider our nation’s many recent discredited leading white landowners.
Truman, Johnson, and Nixon said nigger. JFK’s sexploits so enraged LBJ that he’d bang the table and shout he had more pussy by accident than Kennedy ever had on purpose. Johnson also shook his dick at people.
Nixon was a ranting, raving, raging alcoholic, criminal, likely wife beater, and paranoiac. Reagan fell asleep in meetings only to abruptly jerk awake and demand jellybean bowl refills.
And Dubya was a half-sentient, late evolutionary-stage ape who could hardly read or craft his own sentences.
The burden of being woke
Anyone who thinks the world has gradually coarsened over the years has either had their eyes closed, or never had an honest relationship with anyone outside their fakebook newsfeed bubble. People do and say the same needlessly cruel and carnal shit now that they have for thousands of years.
Sodom, Gomorrah, Babylon, and Rome all came by their sexcess reputations honestly. We just all suddenly know about it because of streaming internet, social networks, and affordable jet travel.
Naive, easily-scandalized and sensationalized family values folks’ compelling desire to judge the rest of us by quaint criteria we never selected should not dictate national policy. If they want to live a certain way, fine. Stay in their dying rust belt hometowns. Make that America whatever again.
And looking at inauguration pictures, it appears many did stay home. Perhaps fearful of their exotic second amendment fellow travelers in DC:
Well-armed hordes of angry young male slave descendants also exercising constitutional fucking rights to menace others with firearms.
Old white conservatives’ tired family values bullshit
Old white fuckers bear responsibility for all the shit they criticize. After all, they created this world. Not their slaves, women, or closeted gay children. Those people had nothing to do with this world built upon their backs.
Deacons, CEOs, coaches, generals, salesmen, and small businessmen built it. Imperious, judgmental father figures who know better than you what your life is like and how it can improve. Always men. Like every serial killer and ruthless tyrant in history. It is no coincidence that all dictators are men.
For thousands of years all over the world — not just in Merica — parents not only preferred boys, but raised them to be mad men. Vicious, uncaring misogynists roaming the countryside. Weaponizing their cocks and social status to tyrannize the rest of us. Notching their belts with fucked farmers’ daughters, divorcees, and fatherless kids. Equal-opportunity discarding everyone in their careless wake.
And STDs weren’t prevalent until the greatest generation came home from World War II. It was those sex-crazed, postwar STD-infested veterans returning from sexcapades overseas who oversaw the flowering of our trash culture. Wherein everything, especially girl childs, remain to this day single use and disposable.
Congress is still basically two big rooms of old white multimarried men who disrespected women and minorities most of their lives. How that remains the case when the country no longer reflects this is the answer to that timelessly naive question gasped by credulous believers throughout the land: will wonders never end? No, unfortunately they will not.
Not much about yesterday makes it worth repeating.
Meathead jesusfreaks ain’t gay at all
Manly men also like victories to be accompanied by opponents’ humiliating defeat. Because merely winning is not enough for Ultimate Fighting fans. Losers must be gloated over. Mercilessly crushed into cruel submission on their knees or back in tears. Their totally not gay take on the golden rule:
“Tapout, bitch. Go ahead and be a pussy. Come on. Do it. I’d love it if you did this to me. On my knees or back and at your mercy. But totally not gay.”
Neomuscular christian men love watching cut, male athletes in spandex wrestle each other into agonizing submission. Bit of cognitive dissonance here.
Viewers and fans stretch teeny-tiny t-shirts that say “OBEY” across roidraged-out carcasses and walk around trying to convince the rest of us they’re christians, not at all gay, and will see us at church on sunday.
Sorry guys. Pretty sure some of you and most of this is totally gay. And if that’s true, you simply can’t be christian. But don’t take it from me. Take it from every prominent evangelical preacher there is.
There’s an invisible man in the sky who’s really into your pants
Who can do and knows everything. Yet still chooses to while away the hours, or has nothing better to do with his infinite time, than worry about what we’re doing with what’s in our pants during our short, sporadic lives.
The free market or else American version of this often repeated godhead savior story is particularly prone to criticism. Because the martyred christ is in his own words a hippie weakling pussy who hung out exclusively with sex workers and the working class. And was only once in his life ever angry.
This. Yet the unwitting idiot iconoclast version celebrated by backwoods cults in the hillbilly jackass churches littering Merica’s carnage somehow also preaches unquestioning support for the forever war economy, Hallilockheedboeingburton, and vicious moralizing standards impossible for even its own leaders to meet.
Rare indeed is the evangelical megapreacher unscandalized by ubiquitous gaysex and interporn. A shame too. Had their ancestors not invented the closet, we wouldn’t all be in it one way or another. Nor would we be seeking to fill it with the most repulsive and repugnant sex acts ever misbegotten.
But their loving, merciful, yet easily offended and vengeful god doesn’t really live in the sky. Apparently he haunts the world around us. Like the force in Star Wars. Or from some other dimensional coexistence of which we are unaware. Like Hellraiser.
And he’s directly responsible for everything: holocaust, black death, slavery, colonialism, and natural disasters. But powerless to stop it.
Allpowerful, allknowing, utterly helpless, and hooked on earth virgins
Could have stopped it all, but no! Like every good dad he let it be a learning experience for us. Because he loves his children and wants us to be good.
And that’s why an allpowerful, allknowing allthing failed to see some pretty obvious problems with his creation. Like famine and floods, odd placement of sex organs right next to digestive ones, or global warming and scarcity.
They further believe that he left his other dimension to enter an earth virgin’s reproductive system and bear himself as his own son. God cosmicfucked himself into earthly existence.
A weird idea early christians merely coopted from a widely dispersed narrative across the prechristian pagan world. Which is generally accompanied by a core set of easily identified common characteristics:
Cosmic annunciation; three eastern visitors; solstice birth; carpenter foster father; fleeing childhood persecution by a threatened king; baptism; desert walkabout; overcoming temptation; disciples; magic, miracles, and blessings; gruesome public execution; hell; resurrection; ascension.
Jesus isn’t the only thing that’s magic
Hopefully readers who make it this far won’t limit their scorn to christians and muslims. Friends, grow and cultivate your disrespect to include any and all belief systems designed around unquestioning credulity of ridiculous ancient magic.
Substitute any other religion’s preposterous sorcery for the theocratic christian language in the new president’s old school inaugural address and it would have been just as absurd. A non-sequitur out of place and time in the unstoppably globalist, humanist, diverse, and vibrant 21st-century.
In the immortal words of a bunch of hot, funky black chicks 20 years ago: Free your mind. And the rest will follow. Be colorblind. Don’t be so shallow.
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