Black-Eyed Kids Join Get-Out-the-Vote Campaign
Democrats in this key swing state have partnered with these relentless, soulless demon-children to persuade citizens to go to the polls.
With just a month until the general election, Pennsylvania remains among the most hotly contested “swing states”, one that is traditionally blue but came out in favor of Trump in the 2016 election.
With Trump pre-emptively challenging mail-in votes, DNC organizers are focused on compelling voters to make it to the polls by any means possible, even if that means enlisting the aid of malevolent other-worldly creatures posing as children.
A coalition of over 25 groups, including the Democratic committees of Lehigh County, Northampton County, and surrounding areas, has been reaching out to voters in rural Pennsylvania day and night. Making one-to-one contact with millions of voters in one of the most populous areas of Pennsylvania required some creative thinking and unusual allies.
“Well, most of our volunteers are seniors, and they are our most dedicated supporters, ready to go door-to-door and talk to anyone to make this next election count,” said Todd Morrow, local Easton, PA organizer. “But many seniors are understandably worried about walking the neighborhood during a pandemic — and most aren’t available to reach out after work hours when some voters will just be getting home. That’s why this partnership makes sense.”
Todd explained that he was thinking about the need for younger volunteers, on a dark and windy night Oct. 1, when he heard a slow deliberate knock on his door. Todd peered through the window and saw two pale-faced children with dark hair standing on his front stoop, gripping his heart with an overwhelming sense of dread that froze the marrow in his bones.
The kids, Cynthia (9) and Robert (13) claimed they had been separated from their parents and needed to come inside Todd’s home to get warm and use his phone. Todd was filled with inexplicable paralyzing fear and he felt sure his life — and even his soul — was in danger. But he also had an idea.
“Oh, yeah, they are creepy. I think creepy is what they are going for. But as they stood on my doorstep, the fathomless depths of their empty black eyes boring into my soul, I had to admit I admired their tenacity. They wanted to come inside and use my phone or whatever and they would not take no to an answer. I asked what if these evil kids were working for us.”
The Black-Eyed Kids agreed that night to work with local Democratic Party organizers, filling a need by canvassing evening hours, often in the dead of night, to remind voters that they are never safe and also that they must remember to vote on November 3rd.
“Let us in,” said Cynthia in a short, impromptu interview as I walked my dog in my front yard after 1 AM last night.
“Let us in. Please, we’re cold,” added Robert, staring at the ground to hide his hideous eyes.
“Also, remember to vote on November 3rd. Your precious democracy is at stake.”
“You will never escape us… or your duty to vote,” Cynthia added as I slammed my front door and locked it, my hands shaking uncontrollably.
There was a sharp tapping at the window in my living room. I pulled aside the curtains to see their faces smiling at me from the front porch.
These precocious, politically-active demon youngsters answered my unspoken question as though they could read my mind. (Not a bad trick for an organizer!)
“You need to let us in and/or vote, mister,” said Robert.
“You’ll have to. Or something terrible will happen,” said Cynthia.
“Four more years of deaths, poverty, streets on fire, and waking nightmares,” they said in singsong unison.
“Four more years of growing economic disparity and a crippled economy with a shrinking middle class that can’t afford basic healthcare let alone costly treatments for COVID-19,” said Cynthia.
The Black-Eyed Kids will be canvassing throughout October to spread the word of our inexorable need to vote in their own unique form of one-on-one persuasion.
When asked, in hoarse, trembling whisper who they held accountable for the results of the 2016 election both children responded immediately and without emotion, “Bernie Sanders.”
Local GOP organizers didn’t respond immediately to request for comment, though a contact who asked to remain anonymous said that Slender Man is in negotiations to make a number of terrifying appearances on behalf of the RNC.
Since this approach is untested, it remains to be seen whether hauntings by literal monsters is enough to motivate U.S. citizens to exercise their constitutional right to vote.
