The Ghost of No-Belonging
An Exorcism of Whiteness
The secret to being white in America is that there is no such thing. Because there is no such thing, the specter of whiteness does not die. It haunts us, as a fine web of unspoken assumptions, innocent omissions, and careful ignorance.
They say, however, that one way to bring up a ghost is to give it your fear. Phantoms and specters have a way of remaining hidden until the moment of perfect terror. The specter of whiteness is like this too. Perhaps it is a moment where you notice how your life is different from others you call “they”. Perhaps it is a situation where someone uses strange-sounding words, like “colonialism”, “structural racism”, “reparation”, maybe even, “whiteness”. Perhaps it is when someone calls you racist. Perhaps, it is the fragment of a moment in which you wonder if you really are racist. The fear goes through you because, of course, racists are bad people, and you cannot possibly be one, because you are not a bad person.
You are not a bad person, but not because you are not racist. You are not a bad person because there are no bad people. For that matter, there are no good people either. There are only people doing good things, and people doing bad things. If you really are worried about what is good and what is bad, stop thinking of yourself, and start to focus on what you do.
By the same token, you are not a racist. There are no racists. But there are many people thinking racist thoughts, saying racist things, and committing racist acts. Those thoughts, words, and actions are still wrong. The fact that they are not thought, spoken, or done by racists does not lessen their harm. It just means that the people doing those things could choose to stop. You can stop too. But you have to exorcise the ghosts of whiteness.
They also say that, if you know the name of a ghost, you have power over it. Speak its name, and it cannot harm you. You can command it to leave. Whiteness is like that too. When you feel its cold prickling up your spine, say its name. Say its name when you hear or read something that makes you uncomfortable. Say its name when you feel the urge to make an excuse. Say its name when you realize that you have stopped listening. Say its name when you feel frightened or angry that other people are frightened and angry. Say its name every time you find yourself insisting that you are not a racist.
Instead of making an excuse, apologize. Instead of tuning out what sounds strange, listen and try to understand. Instead of getting angry or frightened, remember courage and compassion. Instead of worrying about whether or not you are a racist, just pay attention so you don’t do racist things. Eventually, whiteness goes away.
We share this time, though, with people who would have whiteness stay. There are sad people, angry people, frightened people, who are worried that whiteness might really go for good. There is no such thing as whiteness, after all; maybe it wouldn’t be so hard for it to blink out of existence. There are people who love to talk about whiteness, in the purest and most glowing terms. There are people who will double down on their love for a ghost, no matter how much suffering it brings down, on both others and on themselves. Yes, everyone loves a good fantasy, especially when the world seems dark. But attachments to unreal things only cause pain. More so, when the dreams fill with hatred, and fear. Read the lore: It never ends well when mortals try to bring ghosts back from the other world.
Hatred comes naturally to whiteness, and so does fear. Whiteness, after all, is the “us” in which you are always alone. Whiteness is the empty belonging. Whiteness is a thing that is not.
Make no mistake: Some of these sad, angry, frightened people are truly dangerous. They can hurt others, and they will. They are in the thrall of malign spirits; they are genuinely haunted. But no amount of violence or cruelty will drain the hurt or fear from their own hearts. The harm they do is all too real, much realer than whiteness, and no less terrible, and they will continue to do it for as long as they refuse to drive out their ghosts.
But do not let that distract you from the plain truth: You can choose not to be one of those people. You can drive out the ghosts from your own life. You can choose not to put the silence of whiteness between your self and the world. You can be one of us.
