The Model United Nations: Playground Edition. Part One: The Football Field
Part One of a yet-to-be determined amount of parts in my incoherent ramblings, I bring you mindless wanderings from a dreary day of work.
A few months back, teacher duty calls, and I am outside for my fifteen minutes of mandated observation, also known as ‘break duty’. For those that don’t know, ‘break duty’ is an obligation that most teachers have. Break is perhaps the worst fifteen minutes of a teacher’s day. Zero relaxation in the break for us.
My mind wandered a few months back, attempting to not think of the fifteen minutes of purgatory that I’m in. I imagine the students as members of the United Nations, and how it played out in my mind.
The Football field is the place where the students put their pride on the line, boasting technique and athletic prowess. However, I looked at how the teams were picked and how each captain factored in their choices. Team A is captained by the United States of America, and Team B is captained by Russia. The picks go back and forth, with Team USA going first.
USA: “We, the United States of America have the first pick. This only makes sense because America is first in everything. To the countries beneath us, you are welcome for the freedom we give you, the fast food we shove down your throats, and the ever-dwindling notoriety that we endure in your socialist hearts. #AMERICAFIRST!”
Russia: “This taking long. America, make decide! NOW!”
USA: “The United States selects Harry from England! He is loyal to Britain, would never stray away from his responsibilities, and would never move to our loser neighbor, those hosers up north in Canada!”
Russia: “All powerful Russia going. We elect Wei from Chinese nation. China friend, America no friend!”
USA: “With our second pick, the USA chooses Germany! Hans, get your arsch over here!”
Germany: “Halt, American! You us pick, but you against us in two world wars fight? Yourself explain!”
USA: “I shall not let those commies try to take you over again. Do you remember East Germany, Hans?”
Germany: “Nein. I am 9 years old”
USA: “EXACTLY! USA! USA! USA!“
Russia: “All power Russia now going. Motherland select Sanjay from India”.
USA: “Oh Russia, you clearly know nothing about football. When was the last time you seen an Indian Footballer?”
India: “Uh…Russia? USA has a point. Why did you choose me?”
Russia: (Whispering) “We want win, you have many peoples. Stop talk, you answer give away to Yankee colonists. Bench sit. Immediate!”
USA: “The USA selects Moshe from Israel. Moshe, get your tucchus over to democracy!”
Russia: “Oh dumb Americans, what Israel football make do? Stupid America!”
USA: “Israel has the right to exist and exercise its right to self-determination! How dare you say otherwise!”
Israel: “Umm….USA? The Russian has a point. I’m shit at Football. I will only cause you problems and chances are, opponents will see my perceived weakness and attempt to attack me from all fronts”
USA: “Moshe, fuck off already! I need you on my side to have a caveat in your region. I’ll explain when we’re older!”
Russia: “The Oligarch state of the empire of…”
USA: “Don’t you mean Russia?”
Russia: “Yes, of course (laughing under their breath). Russia selects Amir of Palestine!”
USA: “Palestine is not a country!”
Israel: “They have the right to a state under certain conditions!”
Russia: “We wish make vacation in Mediterranean sun. America follow where Russia go. Remember Sputnik, USA? Silver medal to America mean you first loser. Russia live long!”
USA: “With our final pick, the USA picks Juan from Mexico. With their lightning quick speed, frequent movement, and leaping ability, you will not be able to jump this wall that is team USA!”
Russia: “With pick last, Russia select John from great north state of Canada!”
USA: “Haha! Russia, you’re so stupid! Even we didn’t take them, and they’re our largest trading partner!”
Russia: “Russia want one-up America. You take all good country, we strategy pick Canada. Many waters, tree and people nice there, not like American mean people!”
USA: “Them is fighting words, you commies! If you want to fight, let us fight!”
Russia: “I fight you, want fight me! Fighting commence!”
Canada: “Be my friend!”
USA/Russia: “NO/NYET!”
Whistle Blows.
Back to class, I yell.
Moral of the story: Nobody likes Canada.
