The pro-life movement: 1/2 saving babies, 1/2 patriarchy

One of the hardest things I’ve had to do as a man is to admit to the parts of myself, deep down as they were, that considered women to be less than. I can trace this back to modeling by men who thought of women as sex objects, and these ideas were calcified in my adolescence by the fear that no woman would ever let me kiss her, let alone have sex with her. Men have a deep sexual need and desire for biological reasons, but also for emotional and psychological ones. Many of us feel that we can only get our love from our fathers if we are studs. Sadly, there is often truth to that.

I have done a great deal of work on myself, which includes honestly contemplating my relationship with the feminine and being willing to look at the dark parts of me. I credit my wife with my evolution as well. A strong and independent woman, she points out moments when I seem to speak or act upon these subconscious thoughts, which allows me to put my attention there and shift my beliefs. Fathering a daughter has been incredibly confronting and healing, and has made me a fierce feminist.

So when I see men creating anti-abortion laws, especially those laws that do not make exceptions for rape, incest, the mother’s health, or a myriad other factors, I know in my heart that this is the mark of misogyny. I’m not saying I know their specific thoughts or experiences or that this is not also driven by religous belief or sympathy for the unborn, but the signature of fear and even hatred is clearly present, and unfortunately invisible to them.

Here’s an example of blindness to patriarchy in a man’s internal system. During the Brett Kavanaugh hearings, Senator Orrin Hatch was asked about the credibility of Christine Blasey Ford as a witness. Hatch responded, “I don’t think she’s uncredible. I think she’s an attractive, good witness,” he said.

When the reporter asked what he meant by “attractive,” Hatch responded, “In other words, she’s pleasing.”

Now you can defend this guy however you want, but the way I see it there are only two ways to look at his comments. The first, is that he’s aware of what he’s saying—a big fuck you to women and liberals. The second, is more to my point. This man tasked with representing millions of constituents is completely unaware of his male chauvinism. Now, if a significant blindspot shows up in a press interview, how is it showing up on the Senate floor?

But before I get too deep into the current political maelstrom, let’s take a look at the past, shall we?

A bit o’ history…

Based on modern religous fervor, one would think that abortion is something new, the byproduct of an age when medicine can detect anomalies and serious issues in a developing fetus or pregnant woman. As it turns out, abortion is ancient, performed in many cultures throughout the centuries by midwives and surgeons who prescribed herbs, food, enemas, strenuous activity, or invasive procedures.

What is absurd is that abortion was not as problematic in the ancient world as it is today. The Stoics classified a fetus as having the consciousness of a plant, becoming an animal only when born. Even early Christians had similar beliefs that a fetus was not a person and therefore that abortion was acceptable:

Tertullian, a 2nd- and 3rd-century Christian theologian argued that abortion should be performed only in cases in which abnormal positioning of the fetus in the womb would endanger the life of the pregnant woman. Saint Augustine believed that abortion of a “fetus animatus” (a fetus with human limbs and shape) was murder. However, his beliefs on earlier-stage abortion were similar to Aristotle’s [i.e. a fetus is not human]. (Source: Wikipedia)

So abortions were acceptable and even commonplace. But why? If it was difficult to detect medical problems with a developing fetus, why would women end a pregnancy in the first place, especially at a time when surgery could kill her?

In the ancient world and up to very recently, a young woman’s value was still being measured by her “virtue” and the ability to procreate and care for the needs of a husband and (many) children. Women were essentially sold into slavery by other family members (i.e. fathers to son-in-laws). They were often raped by those husbands and even sometimes their male relatives.

And here we come to the crux of the current problem. The abortion issue is about competing interests — the life of a developing child vs. the rights of the woman carrying it. But lurking behind the scenes is patriarchy, casting its long dark shadow on everything in sight.

Women’s rights?

Women now have far more rights than ever before (at least in the West.) Hard fought, they now can vote, work any job (for two-thirds the salary of a man), and up until this month could choose to end a pregnancy in any state of the union. The concepts of a virgin bride, an arranged marriage, and a dowry have now been rendered absurd. And yet…

Women still cannot walk the streets in safety, free from harassment or worse. Women cannot testify that they were raped or molested by a would-be Supreme Court justice, without being ridiculed by the fucking President of the United States. And apparently in the Deep South, women still don’t have a say with what they can and can’t do with their bodies.

In my research, this was the most incredible thing I discovered. Social attitudes towards abortion turned negative only as the women’s rights movement gained power. (Source: Wikipedia) Abortion had previously been widely practiced and legal under common law in early pregnancy, but as woman began to claim their equality, laws surfaced against abortions at all stages of pregnancy. In other words, men—afraid to lose their positions of power in the home, at work, and in government—created this witch hunt to disempower women seeking their freedoms.

Patriarchy, then and now

We need only look to history to see that much of this conundrum involves preserving the patriarchy. The only evidence of the death penalty being mandated for abortion in the ancient world is found in Assyrian Law, in the Code of Assura, c. 1075 BCE; and this is imposed only on a woman who procures an abortion against her husband’s wishes.

And in the Bible, we see that abortion is mainly an issue because of the relationship between the mother and the father. Numbers 5:11–31 describes the test of the unfaithful wife: If a man is suspicious of his wife’s fidelity, he would take her to the high priest. The priest would make a substance for the woman to drink made from water and “dust from the tabernacle floor”. If she had been unfaithful “her abdomen will swell and her womb will miscarry, and she will become a curse.” If she was innocent the drink had no effect.

So God is cool with killing the baby if a woman is unfaithful (slut! whore!) but not if it will save the woman’s life!?

Today, blanket anti-abortion legislation drafted and voted into law mostly by men, is clearly demonstrative of institutionalized misogyny and racism. New Jersey senator, Cory Booker, put it best in this recent GQ article:

These far-right attacks on women’s rights must be understood as an attack on all of our rights. But we also need to understand who these types of bills were designed to control, dehumanize, and criminalize.

Women of color, low-income women, and women living in rural areas in states that have restricted and sought to criminalize abortion will be disproportionately affected. They may be unable to afford to travel to a different state — which could also mean missing work and arranging for childcare even while enduring lengthy 72-hour waiting periods — in order to get the health care they need. They can’t afford to pack up and leave — and we won’t let them weather this storm alone.

I am most horrified by Alabama’s law which has no exception for rape or incest, which according to Rolling Stone, means that “in Alabama a doctor will now serve more time for performing an abortion on an 11 yr old rape victim than the the rapist will serve for raping her”. Does that seem normal? To me it’s evidence of the fear and hatred of women that is motivating these laws.

While I have compassion and understanding for people (both men and women) who want to see innocent unborn babies brought into this world, things are not that simple. Some pregnancies result from rape—sometimes by family members. Some pregnancies are certain to produce a child who will have an abnormality that will make life difficult for the child and parents, or will produce a child who is guaranteed to have a short and painful life. Or there are circumstances where carrying the baby to full-term will mean the mother will die. To compound things, these issues often can’t be ascertained before 6 weeks. Of course, many women believe that these are none of our business whatsoever.

Setting rape and incest aside, how many abortions are the result of men choosing not to support women, or the result of extreme pressure to end the pregnancy? Not to mention that we often shirk our duty to raise boys who will grow up to respect women. Men need to realize their roles in every pregnancy, and in creating a better relationship between the masculine and the feminine. This begins by looking inward.

The rights of the unborn

When I have looked inward, as I said above, I’ve seen parts of myself that I’m not proud of. So I hope that you (women) will be able to hear this next part knowing that I am holding two competing feelings with love and compassion. I respect a woman’s right to choose, yet when I am confronted with the thought of abortion, I feel profound sadness.

The first time I saw my daughter, she was broadcast on a screen and appeared no bigger than a lentil. Her heart beat was a tiny vibration that I could barely detect. I had excitement in my body, but it was largely abstract. A 6 week old, lentil sized cell-cluster is not a person after all. I was mostly expanding the love I had for my wife to include an imaginary family, made real only by the black and white printout in my hand.

Today I am proud father to a brilliant and charming little girl. I am grateful to be in a loving partnership and to have emotional, educational, and financial resources at my disposal. Most of all, because both my dasughter and my wife were healthy throughout the pregnancy, our decision to have her was a simple one.

If statistics are true that nearly 1/4 of women will end a pregnancy, to me that means millions of lives in potentia have been cut short. Part of me wants to do whatever I can to prevent that from happening. We are a society. We have countless agreements around acceptable behavior. Yes, women should have agency over their bodies. And at the same time, who will speak for the baby? You may think it’s not a conscious being and that’s your right. At the same time, nobody knows what is happening in the experience of a fetus at the various stages of gestation.

People believe all sorts of things about life and the soul. Only human arrogance can say with certainty that life begins after a certain period of time in the womb, or only once a baby is born. What happens in a mother’s belly is one of the greatest mysteries in this world. Many pro-choicers are ready to dismiss the religious and spiritual beliefs of others as nonsense, but we cannot do that any more than we can dismiss the rights of women to have agency over their bodies.

Babies arise in women’s bodies. Who am I to tell someone else what they can and cannot do with their body? I’m not saying that I’m against a woman’s right to choose, only that this is a complex subject. To pretend that the answer is black and white is folly on both sides. “My body, my choice” seems to ignore that there is another (potential) life involved. We as a society take away people’s rights all of the time. Countless laws against violence do just that.

A woman’s choice

In instances of rape, incest, and threats to the life of the mother, aborting the fetus is clearly nobody’s business but the woman’s. When there’s an issue with the baby’s health, I think that a conversation with the father is warranted when practical, but ending that pregnancy is still clearly her right. In every other instance, the pregnancy is occurring inside a woman’s body, should she not have sovereignty over it? At the same time how do we as a society deal with an act that ends a life, at least a potential one? I can’t answer that, but an interesting thought experiment would be to ask how things would differ if men were the ones carrying babies. Would anyone doubt their soveiregnty as paramount?

Whatever the circumstance, if we want to save babies, then we as a culture need to make it easier for women to choose to birth them. I’m not talking about coercion like mandating abstinence-only sex education or limiting access to birth control, which is common in the same states that are currently criminalizing abortion. I’m talking about supporting women.

Pro-choice is a misnomer, because for the majority of women, they have no choice. Disparities in abortion rates clearly exist by socioeconomic status. Women in poverty have an abortion rate that is nearly six times that of women whose income is two times the Federal Poverty Level. Source: US National Library of Medicine.

Even for those women who earn a good living, having a baby is a tough decision. This is further compounded if the father is unwilling or unable to offer financial support. And in terms of the cost of bringing a child into this world, our medical-industrial complex can make hospital bills prohibitively expensive, especially if there are complications for the mother or baby.

Then, once the baby is out, there is no national paid family leave, and only 5 states (California, New Jersey, New York, Rhode Island, and Washington) offer this to either parent. While I remain hopeful that family leave will eventually be offered at both the state and federal level, there’s a big question mark as to when, how, and how much.

And don’t even get me started on the cost of daycare and lack of free early childhood education…

Potential solutions

If the senators from Alabama, Georgia, and other states are so eager to push these nonsensical laws on their citizens, should they not also be making laws that help pregnant women and new parents with the awesome (financial) responsibility of birthing and raising a young child? Wouldn’t offering resources do more to end abortion than the threat of criminal charges?

From a cultural standpoint, men need to wake up and realize their role in all of this. Last time I checked it takes two people to make a baby (ok technically just sperm, but I’ll leave single mothering by choice out of this).

Here’s an easy fix. Men can shoulder the burden of birth control. Instead of women having to go through invasive procedures like implanting an IUD or taking birth control—both of which have side-effects— how about men do something:

1. Condoms. Men hate condoms. They may be effective 99.9% of the time, but what percentage of the time do men actually wear them or lie to women about having worn one?
2. Get a vasectomy. They are a great option if you don’t want kids, and they’re reversible.
3. Male birth control is almost here. Several years ago the male birth control pill was being tested, but the study couldn’t be completed. Men were dropping out because they were experiencing the same side-effects as women experience (acne, mood swings, and depression). Remind me again who the “weaker sex” is?

If men want to give more unborn babies a chance to live outside the womb, they must first learn to honor and respect women, and own the parts of themselves that fear and hate them. Stop treating women as disposable sex objects and deepen into relationship with your woman, especially when it’s difficult. Your woman is likely triggering some past hurt that you have not dealt with. You can choose to blame her or heal yourself.

If you do end a marriage or partnership, stay present in your children’s lives. Teach your sons how to treat women (and other men for that matter). Be the kind of man you’d want your daughter to marry one day, if she so chooses. That means respecting women, and being bold by saying something when your buddies tell a sexist joke or doing something when you see violence against women.

Finally, if we want to ensure that women have the right to choose what to do with their bodies, we must listen to the people whose hearts feel for the unborn and to those who believe in god, sin, and all that other stuff. We thought Roe v. Wade ended this conversation once and for all, but that is clearly not the case. For a great read on listening to the other side, check out this article: If Liberals Want to Change Minds on Abortion, We Must Understand Why People Oppose It.

I wish I had the final answer to this. I don’t. So much of life is about sitting in the not knowing and doing the best we can. But if my spirituality has shown me anything besides my beliefs about the unborn, it’s that we are all one. It’s high time that we acted like it for the sake of women, babies, and everyone else.