Truth in Satire

The Republican Healthcare Bill Reveals they’re secretly Die-Hard Environmentalists

Their animosity for human life is really a bold purge to save the planet

Since the Republicans have revealed their bills to repeal and replace Obamacare, there has been wide support among a diverse group of Americans, from black market organ dealers to post-apocalyptic rogue warriors. But within this extraordinary bill, is a secret and powerful plan to address the planet’s warming climate that goes far beyond the puny Paris Accords.

The current rate of CO2 emissions, methane from melting permafrost, industrial growth, cattle farming, and overall fossil fuel use are all underpinned by a simple truth: human activity. Without it, much of these disastrous environmental hazards would come to a screeching halt and allow the natural cleansing mechanism of the planet to heal itself.

The new Republican healthcare plan is a bold new initiative in environmental restoration: massive population loss. With this new strategy, the trickle down of human life into the ground will help replenish the biodiversity of our soils and recover some of the degradation of recent damage from industrial agriculture.

Most environmentalists know the damage our industries do to our natural resources. While much of the media focus has centered on car emissions, in fact raising cattle release far more global warming gases. Those cows are being fed corn, wheat and soy which takes millions of acres and billions of gallons of water to grow. A single walnut takes 5 gallons. Each pound of beef takes 1,800 gallons of water to make. Many people may be aware of these things by now. What they may not be aware of is that throughout it’s life, an average human drinks over 20-thousand gallons of water. This needs to stop.

At a time when virtually all scientists agree that human activity is the primary cause of global warming, Republicans are the only party willing to address those environmental threats by ridding the planet of its source: human people.

What the country needs now is real leadership. In order to rally the people and present their case for the urgency of this action, Senator Mitch McConnell, Representative Paul Ryan and the rest of the House and Senate Republicans as well as President Trump must congregate a massive demonstration — a national march, starting at the Capitol Building and striding headlong into the Potomac.

The nation is right behind you.