The World Sucks Right Now. And I Don’t Know What to Do About It.

Since the Orlando massacre, I’ve had a pit in my stomach that won’t quit. I shared some of my thoughts on the horrible event, its effects on me and the LGBT community, and the political turmoil that followed.

Then the videos of Alton Sterling and Philando Castile emerged. I was horrified at what happened and that moments like them keep happening. Many of the reactions I read made me feel worse. Then Dallas. Then Nice. Then Baton Rouge.

Today, I read in disgust about what actress Leslie Jones has endured online since the Ghostbusters premier. It’s some of the most vile, racist, and sexist comments I’ve ever heard.

The world is feeling really terrible right now. I haven’t been able to figure out what to “do” with all my thoughts and emotions about it. I’m a writer, and so I often put my thoughts in words and then share those words with my networks (like I am now).

I’ve shared my feelings and my opinions on most of these events. Why? Because I want my black friends and my LGBT friends, and my cop friends to know I care about them and that I hear their pain and see their fear.

I don’t have any Muslim friends (that I’m aware of). Still, I want Muslims and non-Muslims to know that I side with those who welcome people of different faiths. I believe, even as an atheist, that we can coexist.

I want my Mormon and Christian family and friends to understand the pain and confusion their leaders continue to cause for LGBT people, women, nonbelievers, and former believers.

I also want these religious loved ones to know that I try to understand their point of view. How difficult it must be, to stand up for your beliefs when much of the world seems to have decided that many of those beliefs are damaging, inconsistent, and based on falsehoods.

But what does all this wanting and writing and hand-wringing? Have I changed anyone’s mind?

Have I swayed even one person to stop saying “All Lives Matter”?

Has a single Mormon been convinced to stand up to their dogmatic leaders?

Will any Hillary-haters decide to put aside their reservations and do what they can to stop Donald Trump from leading this country? I doubt it.

This may all sound morose and fatalistic, I know.

At my core, I’m a happy person, with much to be happy about. I’m a fortunate person, with tons of fantastic people and experiences in my life.

Despite my recent anxiety, I should rest easily knowing that because of my background, my race, my skills, and a bunch of other things — I don’t have to fear for my life or safety. Too many people in the world and our American backyards don’t get this luxury.

But I’m also a severely anxious person by nature. And so I worry. And I ruminate. And I overthink. And sometimes I shut down. I’ve felt close to shutting down over the last week, which has affected both my personal and professional life.

Thankfully, I have an phenomenal boyfriend who makes me smile every day and shows me so much love that sometimes I think I’m going to explode with gooey glee.

I guess what I needed to do was explain myself — to myself. But also to everyone I network with because, well, that’s what I do. Maybe some of you feel the way that I do. If so, please tell me how you’re dealing with it. I think it’ll help me and others. And I’ll do what I can to help, too.

I don’t have many hard-and-fast beliefs, but I do believe in something Ann Frank wrote:

I keep my ideals, because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart.

We’re all here on this often-horrible planet together. My hope is that we can try to make it a little less terrible, even if just one self-serving Internet post at a time.