To Avoid Confusion Starbucks Will Erect “Whites* Only” Signs
Philadelphia, PA — Starbucks has recently come under heavy scrutiny for a video that surfaced of two young black men being arrested in one of its establishments for allegedly sitting quietly and patiently waiting to meet a friend. To avoid confusion in the future, the large Seattle-based coffee corporation has decided to erect “Whites* Only” signs so black people — particularly young black males — don’t wrongly assume they can exist at their local coffee shop without incident like tens of thousands of their white counterparts do daily.
“We are incredibly sorry this happened,” said Mark Comey, head of the corporation’s public relations department. “We never meant to give off the impression that we’re some racial utopia. We and our employees are infected with the same implicit racial biases as anyone else. Like many in society, our employees unconsciously and consciously subscribe to ideas of anti-blackness and white supremacy. Black persons should not — I repeat — should not — think we provide some relief from this country’s deeply entrenched racism,” continued Comey.
The corporation plans to erect “Whites* Only” signs on Monday to keep minorities away in hopes to prevent another wholly unnecessary racially-charged arrest.
Still, many are concerned that the signs are reminiscent of the outlawed Jim-Crow-era signs that segregated blacks and whites in public places across the American South. But, the corporation disagrees and points out that its signs — unlike those from the 1960’s — have an asterisk by “White.” “Look, we’re not monsters. Of course we don’t only want white people in here — we love appearing diverse and racially inclusive. We just don’t want any random black person off the street blindly thinking we actually are,” said Melissa Vargas, Starbucks’ marketing director.
As an act of corporate generosity, Starbucks plans to permit blacks to apply for an “Oreo Latte Pass,” which will give potential African American customers an opportunity to prove they’re “safe” enough to exist at a Starbucks. There will reportedly be one pass available for every twenty white Starbucks dwellers. To get a pass, black applicants will, among other things, have to prove they attained a certain level of education, currently have a dog and are able to quote lines from the Office on command. Applicants can also be approved by being Donald Glover or that black girl from those Buzzfeed videos.
