To Fight Flu Outbreak, Trump Demands Congress Pay For Leeches, Exorcisms
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House announced today that if the Democrats will not pass a budget with $5 Billion set aside for leeches and exorcisms, President Trump will declare a state of emergency to reallocate money for these resources in order to fight the flu epidemic. In the winter of 2018, 80,000 people died from the flu, according to the CDC.
“Everyone knows, and it is everyone I promise you, everyone knows. That the Chinese built… A huge facility for bloodletting and ritual exorcisms to stop the dreaded Mongol flu from reaching them. And it worked,” said President Trump, on his way to a Texas community hit hard by the flu.
“The only way to stop this imbalance of the humours is through bloodletting and religious ritual. I know a lot about humours, people say I’m a very funny guy, and I say that other than spending billions of dollars on the scientifically grounded practices of bloodletting and prayer, how can we possibly fight the flu? Clearly, the Democrat Party is pro flu. That’s all I can say, believe me!”
