Top 8 Way to Use Your Tax Refund
By Justin Borak
With Tax Day coming up on July 15th and people pulling out their fireworks, here are a few fun life hacks for you to use that refund in unexpected ways!
1.) Insulin — Drugs are awesome, but what better way to use your government-mandated scraps to purchase life-saving drugs for yourself (who knows, it might even cover two months’ worth)!
2.) Little Caesars — This one is a fun life hack. While an average tax refund can cover a few trips to ALDI’s, who needs cooking! With just $300, you can order 60 Hot-and-Ready Pep’s and never cook again! Prepare a slice for lunch, for dinner, and an egg on the top of one for breakfast and you have delectable meals that the Remy Rats from Ratatouille would call, “Squeak Squeak, I’m a mouse”.
3.) Bike — If you live in a city like me, public transportation is your best friend. But with the current pandemic, riding a train is the equivalent of letting 100 sick people sneeze in all of your orifices. So, try a bike! They are fun, healthy, and will help you get to know each and every pothole near your apartment just a little bit better.
4.) Clothes — One thing that’s a fun “splurge buy” are clothes! An essential for everyone that allows creativity at the max! Think of all the wild things you can buy, underwear, socks, shoes without holes in it. A fun “life-hack” is if you live in a state with hurricanes yearly, think about SAVING your refunds to get a nice jack to protect from rain. If you try, you’re only three years away from a totally dry November.
5.) Podcast Equipment — You’re stuck inside, quarantined with no money, no friends and nothing to do, you are the exact person everyone wants to hear from every Thursday morning. Pester friends and family as you begin your show, “Quaran-tales”, telling stories about that Cheeto you found under your couch or the day you realized you could steal wifi from your neighbor. It’s your moral obligation.
6.) Wifi — Working from home can be a drag, but you have to keep doing it to pay for all the things your refund can’t afford, like rent or your mother’s hospital bills. Try Wifi, it’ll allow you to work from home, respond to emails and check the news, and watch porn…all the essentials.
7.) A Kidney — Let’s be honest, hospitals are in a weird place. With some hospitals not able to take people due to the surplus of Coronavirus equipment and victims, people will be looking elsewhere for their medical needs. That’s where that trusty refund comes in, use it on the black market to purchase a kidney, a set of lungs, maybe some insulin for those people who didn’t read the first tip. Now you are the most popular perp in the St. Mary’s Hospital Parking Lot and making more than enough to cover your bail if you get caught.
8.) A Pet — While you are sitting at home, experiencing crippling loneliness, there is an easy solution to having that connection you crave, get a pet! While your refund could never cover the constant costs of a cute puppy or kitty cat to cuddle, what it can cover is the cost of a Betta fish. That’s right, choose from whatever sad, usually brown creatures who live in a cup at your local bodega or Petsmart and get a new aquatic best friend! Teach it to not go into the mushroom house you bought, eat its food buy constantly chewing and spitting it back up, and being irrationally scared of a finger getting to close to the tank.
With these helpful hints, your quarantine and future 2020 will be a lot better thanks to the helpful handout from your friends at the United States Government, and if you weren’t one of the people who got a refund…I know some people with some black market insulin that would love to help out.
