Trump Campaign Announces Surprising New Strategy: Getting Trump to Govern Well
The twist has upset the race as the Biden campaign scrambles to respond
In a shocking development Monday, President Trump’s election campaign announced an entirely new campaign strategy — getting the president to govern well for at least the next few months before the election.
The new strategy comes after major shakeups in the campaign which saw longtime staff leave. Between the departures and weak polling numbers, there has been much speculation that the campaign was about to try a new direction.
“We tried everything else,” said Melanie Coates, a digital marketing expert recently hired by the campaign. “We tried telling people he was doing a good job. We tried telling people Joe Biden would be worse. We tried convincing people Joe Biden was senile. We tried reminding people how good things had been back in January. Nothing was sticking.”
Then the campaign tried the unexpected.
“It dawned on us that there was one thing we hadn’t tried,” said Coates. “So we sat the president down and tried to explain to him that there are limits in sales. The president is a salesman, and he has great faith in the power of being a salesman, but even he realizes there are limits.”
When asked how her team managed to turn the campaign around, Coates smiled. “Well, we told him that old saying ‘you can’t put lipstick on a pig,’ and that seemed to get through. We reminded him that you have to sell the people something. I mean, look at Trump Steaks. He couldn’t simply pretend to people that he had sold them a steak when he really hadn’t. No, he at least had to buy some old frozen steaks from Wal-Mart and quadruple the price.”
“So he seemed to understand that,” Coates continued. “And Trump University as well. People paid thousands and thousands of dollars to attend. He couldn’t simply give them nothing. No, they at least got to have their picture taken next to a cardboard cutout of him.”
“And the president, being a salesman, understood this. He actually listened, and he agreed that he could try to govern better and empathize with voters. We reminded him it didn’t have to be forever, just three months, and then he could do whatever he wanted. He really liked that.”
So what are some of the campaign’s new tactics?
“For one, we are encouraging the president to focus on how people are suffering from the coronavirus and what he is going to do to help them instead of wallowing in self-pity and attacking the media. He’s also going to stop openly talking about refusing to concede the election. He can do what he likes after election day, of course, but he just needs to stop talking about it ahead of time.”
Signs of the new strategy have already begun to emerge. Yesterday the president held an unscheduled press briefing on the coronavirus where he discussed the challenges ahead in sober and realistic terms. He discussed the tragic effects on the families of those who have died and promised “to do better,” even wiping his eyes at one point. Mr. Trump also apologized for his initial missteps in handling the virus and admitted that he was wrong to oppose masks. He called on his supporters to obey social distancing and mask orders and for the country to “come together to heal.”
The shocking development has stunned Democrats and the Biden campaign. While some predict the new strategy of governing well cannot last three whole months, others have sounded a note of worry.
“It definitely does call into question our own strategy of hiding Biden in a closet until November,” said Tina Hastings, a senior staffer on the Biden campaign. “We have been counting on Trump to keep being Trump and for his campaign to implode. That he could learn from his mistakes and admit he was wrong is… well it isn’t something anybody saw coming.”
Already the Trump campaign’s new strategy appears to be paying dividends. Recent polling shows moderate Republicans and suburban women warming the new tone and the race tightening.
“I didn’t much care for how he talked before,” said Stacey Matthews, white suburban housewife and longtime Republican. “Always going on about what a great job he was doing when he really wasn’t. But now that he apologized? And these tears? Oh yeah, he’s got my vote. I don’t mind if he has made mistakes, I mean who hasn’t? But you have to show that you’re willing to learn.”
To help fight the epidemic of fake news while writing fake news, I am attaching a fake newsometer to my stories which will give a rating for how fake the story is. Legal disclaimer: the fake newsometer is not designed for internal use and its creator bears no responsibility for injuries that may result from its incorrect application.
Fake Newsometer Rating: 4. Trump really does exist, but he has not pledged to be empathetic and learn from his mistakes, nor are the events in this story plausible.
- 0: Not fake at all. Well, the details I actually wrote are fake, but not the main topics.
- 1: Not fake, except for large sections of what I wrote. One or more main topic is true.
- 2: Not fake, in the sense that it captures the general gist of something that really happened.
- 3: Not fake, in the sense that this sounds like something that could happen.
- 4: Not fake, in the sense that one or more people in the story really exist.
- 5: Trump-level true. The events neither happened nor are plausible and any characters mentioned are either fictitious or have had their names butchered, like Tim Apple.
