Trump, Defined Anew

Mitchell, SD — Shrugging off death threats, the American Society of Metasemanticists — the country’s largest gathering of “interpreters of meaning” — published the results today of their annual survey What’s In A Name?

“We’re usually a cookies and tea crowd,” remarked Society President Winthrop McEarneney, “so having the lives of so many members threatened has stirred things up a bit, as you can imagine.”

A large majority of the society’s seven members reported receiving death threats on their home telephones after an unidentified hacker published their contact information on a number of rightwing social media sites.

“It was terribly distressing,” said one member, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of broken windows in his newly purchased Victorian.

Society Treasurer Gladys Samuelson, however, had a different reaction. “When I first heard about it, I thought, ‘Why, I might get a date out of this!’ No such luck.” As of this article’s deadline, Ms. Samuelson has not received any death threats or dating offers. “It’s all so horribly unfair to be left out,” she added.

The hacker, posting under the nom de plume “MarALagØLancelØt” claimed that the society members should be “smacked down for dissing the President.” Society members guess that the hacker had downloaded an advance copy of the report, a closely held secret that was not available to the general public until this day.

The 2020 survey’s topic “Legacy of Trump” focused on how the meaning of the Trump family name has changed over the time that Donald J. Trump has served the country as chief executive.

The survey begins by noting that, prior to June 16, 2015 — the day that Trump announced his candidacy for the presidency — the name Trump stood as an “often-used synonym for the following concepts: Top Dog, The Boss, Big Cheese, King of the Hill, God on Earth — particularly in terms of tremendous financial success.”

Remarkably, the Society found that their “Metrics of Common Usage” methodology demonstrated that over the last several years, the 2015 meaning had changed drastically.

“In our almost one hundred fifty years, we have never seen such a seismic swing in usage,” claimed Lead Semanticist Bentham Wriggles. “One would have to reach all the way back to the post Revolutionary War era,” he added, “when ‘Benedict Arnold’ flipped from ‘noble hero’ to ‘dastardly pond scum.’

The 2020 survey finds that the word “Trump” now acts as a common synonym for the terms listed below. Also, consistent with past surveys, society members have volunteered possible explanations for the dramatic shift in meaning. Readers are cautioned that the survey does not reflect the views of the Society per se, merely that of its contributing members.

Sordid Poltroon — For exhorting, on January 6, 2021, his supporters to “fight like hell” and repeatedly urging them “down to the Capitol Building,” in particular, promising “I’ll be there with you” only to, instead, disappear for hours while they stormed the building, were arrested and sent to jail.

Petty Cozener — For repeatedly vowing to provide evidence of massive fraud proving the 2020 election was stolen, but never to this day to deliver. For forcing House Republicans to choose between the truth about his false claims and being primaried by his supporters in a year. Finally, for attempting to coerce the Secretary of State of Georgia to “find” enough votes to illegally flip the state for Trump and, as a result, will likely be facing criminal charges.

Shabby Brute — For separating out thousands of helpless, terrified children from their parents at the border and imprisoning them in cages for months on end, resulting in hundreds of families still broken apart years later. For justifying such behavior as “moral and decent” and using the tough language of “no more get out of jail free cards.” Finally, in the face of mounting international criticism, trying, first, to blame the Democrats for his administration’s own policy, then, after that failed, hiding behind his wife and daughter as he backed down completely.

Flaccid Weeny — After repeatedly denying that he knew anything about a hush agreement, for finally admitting that he did indeed pay pornstar Stormy Daniels to be quiet about an affair that he then claimed never happened. Also, for being reduced to groping (or worse) in department store dressing rooms, hotels, and other seedy locales, as alleged by E Jean Carroll, Summer Zervos and over fifty other women. Finally, for using a national battlefield monument filled with the graves of those who made the ultimate sacrifice for their country to deny the claims of sexual assault, and to swear that he would sue all these plaintiffs in return, but, curiously, never to do so.

Maladroit Twit — For failing to achieve his signature campaign promise of building the Wall after four years of trying. For running his financial affairs so poorly while in Office that his net worth is shrinking despite his campaign boast that he would prove to be “the first presidential candidate to make money from it.” Finally, for beginning his presidency with his party in control of the White House, the House of Representatives and the Senate, only to lose all three just four years later.

“Depend upon it, grandkids with that name have been sentenced to decades of therapy,” ventured a society member, who wished to remain nameless due to the sensitivity of the matter.

The society’s annual survey has been published every year since 1872, at the organization’s first gathering in Lady Astor’s ballroom in Manhattan, New York. Wishing, however, to grow with the country, the society relocated to the Corn Palace in Mitchell, South Dakota, upon its first centennial in 1972.