Truth in Satire
Trump University Announces New Emphasis on Ethnic Studies
The beleaguered institute set to relaunch in 2018
NEW YORK — Today, Trump University announced a major overhaul of its education programs, pivoting to a strong emphasis on ethnic studies.
Members of the faculty are showing support for the school’s new direction by raising Confederate Flags in front of their homes and yelling incoherently at their neighbors about immigrants.
“At our prestigious institute of higher learning, you’ll be exposed to a diverse range of ideas about culture, history, and the marginalization of the white race,” said newly appointed University President, Donald Trump Jr.
“We do things the right way here,” explained Senior Advisor to the President and Trump University Chairman Stephen Miller. “For example, on our campus, Affirmation Action is a simple nod in consent of a public lynching. Isn’t that great?”
The university reopens Jan 2, 2018, with new classes being held at the Sebastian Gorka Center for Racial Understanding and Harmony, and Richard Spencer’s shitty apartment.
“All students are required to take core Trump curriculum,” said the University Founder and President of the United States Donald Trump. “That’s regardless of your major — whether you are learning to reduce economic opportunities for people of color or you’re practicing watercolor paintings of ghoulish Jews. I don’t care.”
According to insider sources, these courses speak to President’s Trump’s “tireless commitment to diversity in all its forms.” These include:
- Journalism 101: Enemies of the State
- Intro to Religion: The Executive Branch
- Women’s Studies: Cooking, Cleaning, and Serving as a Vessel for the Genetically Pure
- American History: The War of Northern Aggression
- Physical Education: War of Northern Aggression Reenactment
- Introduction to Geology: What Types of Stones to Throw at the Gays
- Evolutionary Biology: Strength of the Monoculture
- Econ 101: Curse of the Jew
- Art History: Beautiful Monuments of the Confederacy
“You’ll also need to take 12 units of African American Studies,” said White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon. “Just kidding!”
With his mouth full of raw hamburger meat, it was difficult to understand exactly what Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency Scott Pruitt said about the school.
“We’re glad you’re here and not getting brainwashed at a liberal college controlled by the deep state,” yelled an irate Pruitt. “Can you imagine? Earning a Bachelor’s of Nothing in Mindfulness from U.C. Berkeley and then spending the rest of your life as a cuck for a bunch of goddamn trees?”
At the announcement ceremony, held this morning at Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort, Vice President Mike Pence presided over the ribbon-cutting ceremony that terminated the life of a young Mexican boy, who was held over the choppy waters by ribbon alone.
“We applaud your dedication to continued learning, growth, and the subjugation of inferior races,” Pence told the small crowd, as they ignored the boy’s watery screams.
The Vice President then raised his right arm toward the sky, fingers outstretched.
“Heil Trump,” he called out softly. “Heil Trump for life.”
