Trump vs. Jeff Bezos & The Washington Post
The Battle Of Wits Between Bezos And A Sentient Turnip Covered In Orange Pubic Hair
Amazon. There’s a reason they win. The reason Amazon is 43% of all retail sales is simple. They’re better. And they’re better at being better. Before Amazon, if you had a problem with a purchase, you’d need to find a receipt, you’d need a story to tell, and would be diligently interrogated, followed by “I have to ask my manager”, whereas a manager would appear, and you’d have the privilege of starting again from scratch.
Now, in contrast, here’s a transcript of a call I had with an Amazon customer service representative.
ACSR: “Hi, this is Mary from Amazon, how can I help you”.
Me: “Hi Mary. I stabbed the items I bought in a murderous rage, simply because they vexed me. So, I stabbed them with a knife”.
ACSR: “I am SO, so sorry to hear you were vexed by something you purchased from us. I’ll be happy to give you a full refund and we’ll gladly pay for the return shipping”.
Me: “Instead of a refund, I want them replaced, immediately, with new versions, so that I can stab them too. But with a different knife”.
ACSR: “Absolutely. I’m so, so glad I can help!”
You see what I mean? Amazon treats their customers the same way Rabbis treat the Torah. As sacred. That’s why they won. That’s why they’ll continue to win.
Jeff Bezos runs Amazon, and, a few years ago, bought The Washington Post, one of the most respected tenets of journalism. When Trump refers to Wash. Post as “Fake News”, it carries the same amount of reality as him saying “The Washington Post is a dancing fire hydrant wearing giant sunglasses”.
The Washington Post is the reason Nixon resigned, for the same amount of illicit behavior Trump achieved between 3:06 pm – 3:08 pm this afternoon. Back when reality existed, it’s reputation was beyond reproach.
Now, Donald Trump has, after much careful consideration to his choice of words, in a well thought out delivery reminiscent of FDR’s Pearl Harbor Address, and JFK’s Inaugural Address, tweeted:
- “Fake News Wash Post, Amazon not paying nonexistent internet taxes even though I don’t pay existent taxes! Hard for me to make sense, because I think my brain is broken, purple horseshoe puffer-fish helicopter”.
He later Tweeted:
- “Covfefe, to my home planet, the eggs will soon hatch! Also, just invented internet tax. Proud. Also, the TIME magazine covers in all my golf clubs ARE real, they’re from the alternate reality /parallel universe from ‘Fringe’. Also, Obama sold me the kryptonite I used to kill Superman with, but then stole all my killer dance moves. Sad.”
Then, he tweeted,
- “Staff keeps interrupting my tweets by attempting to sedate me with powerful elephant tranquilizer darts, and trying to wrest the phone away, BUT massive amounts of PCP gives me super-strength and resilience, so it doesn’t work. Losers! Also, NOT under investigation, and NOT laundering money for Russian mafia!”
In times past, if a president of any country said such things, we’d be severely weirded out. And if the president of THIS country said them, we’d be TERRIFIED. However, sadly… we’ve gotten used to unchained lunacy from the White House. (Now, we’re conditioned where we’d be freaked out if Trump does, or says, anything that isn’t overtly insane, or maniacal).
Comparing Jeff Bezos to Trump, is like comparing apples and oranges, if apples were overtly intelligent humans, and oranges were orange, scary, irrational monsters, that came up from the sea.
Bezos has donated hundreds of millions of dollars to very excellent causes, as opposed to Trump, who raises money for charities and then uses that money to pay his legal bills, buy himself football helmets, and purchase painted portraits of himself. It was recently reported that Trump, and his son, (famed “half-formed man”) Eric, raised money for St Jude’s, which would have been nice, if they didn’t gift themselves a million dollars for their troubles.
Also Bezos, has never to my knowledge, started a fake college, to scam single mothers out of money.
So, between the two of them, if I was to choose who will be standing in a couple of years, and who will be sitting in a jail cell, I pick Bezos for the win.
Written By Steven W. Rouach
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