Tsar Wars: The Rise of Skymueller
A Star Wars parody about the Trump-Russia saga
A long time ago in a country far, far away… Russia meddles with the US Election.
***Cue Star Wars theme song***
Episode XLV
A NEW DOPE
It is a period of civil war. Rebel Left-Wings, striking from a hidden base in Washington, have won their first victory against the evil Republican Empire.
During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal secret plans that prove collusion with Russia to sway an election and build the ultimate weapon in Moscow, the DEATH TOWER, a so-called luxury hotel with enough corruption to bankrupt an entire country.
Pursued by the Empire’s sinister agents, Princess Hilleia races home aboard her private jet, custodian of the stolen PEE TAPE that can save her people and restore freedom to the United States.
THE CAST
Hillary Clinton = Princess Hilleia
A former First Princess and one of the Democratic Rebel Alliance’s greatest leaders, Hilleia has dedicated her life to ending the tyranny of the Republican Empire. She also has a soft spot for scoundrels.
Back in 2016, she tried to warn everyone of the looming threat from Russia. No one believed her. Instead, they listened to the rogue site, WookieLeaks, who hacked into her private emails and spread them across the galaxy.
The leaks revealed Hilleia received secret donations from a rich, desert planet. The biggest donor was Jabba the Haiti. Her campaign was over. Hilleia was attacked by an army of alt-right clones.
Now a general, Hilleia leads the Resistance and hopes to recruit…
Barack Obama = Obama-Wan Kenobi
Noble and gifted in the ways of the Forced government shutdown, Obama-Wan is a mentor to many. Sadly, after the Fall of the Democracy in 2016, the legendary Jedi Master of Ceremonies has gone into hiding.
Desperate to receive his help, but banned from using emails, Hilleia sends a droid to pass on a very important message:
“Help me, Obama-Wan Kenobi. You’re my only hope.” — Princess Hilleia
In the droid’s possession is the secret pee tape linking the Republican Empire to Russia. Obama-Wan knows exactly what to do, but is too weak to fight. He passes on the information to his Padawan…
Robert Mueller = Rob Skymueller
Member of the Special Jedi Counsel and friend of the Resistance, Skymueller rose from humble beginnings to become the Democratic Rebel Alliance’s last hope in defeating the Republican Empire.
After receiving the stolen documents and pee tape, Skymueller went away to live as a recluse for what felt like an eternity. Eventually, he returned with a 448-page long report (the sacred Jedi texts) which he handed to the Attorney General of Naboo, Barr Barr Binks, for examination.
The Skymueller report proved collusion and obstruction, but Barr Barr found neither. Instead, he found a conflict of interest with Skymueller and the leader of the Republican Empire, who happens to be (plot twist) HIS FATHER!!!
Donald Trump = Drumpf Vader
From a young age, Drumpf saw himself as the Chosen One.
Made up of spare parts from Russian bots, Drumpf Vader (short for evader) wears a shiny helmet inscribed with M.A.G.A. Underneath his synthetic hairpiece lies an even more grotesque sight. If that was even possible! A hideously disfigured bald man.
During the surgery that removed his heart, they also removed his voice box, which was strained from screaming “FAKE NEWS!!!” Now, he speaks only via Twitter, not much can be done about the heavy breathing. The Sh*t Lord also has a nasty habit of grabbing people where they don’t want to be grabbed.
Despite all his fancy suits and power, the dictator is merely a puppet who answers to…
Vladimir Putin = Emperor Palputin
Scheming, powerful, and master of the Dark Side, Darth Vladious restored Russia to its former glory by destroying the Soviet Order. In public, he is Emperor Palputin, but in reality, he’s a foreign menace.
The Emperor prefers to work in the shadows, manipulating his enemies from afar to do his bidding. He was first to notice the rise of Drumpf and gave him “unlimited power” and financial support.
However, things did not go to plan. The Death Tower was thwarted and a new evil awakened to take the Emperor’s place, but that’s a story for another time.
Thanks for reading. For a parody based in Westeros…
