Utah (R) Jason Chaffetz, Decides Not To Run For Office Again, After Discovering He’s “Less Likable Than AIDS”.

By Steven W. Rouach

The look of a man getting an iPhone 7 Plus painfully inserted into his rectum.

Ahh being liked. It’s important to many of us. I wouldn’t really know what not being liked feels like because I’m actually adorable, but I’d imagine it being horrible.

That’s what’s keeping Jason Chaffetz from seeking re-election. He is unpopular. People don’t like him. Other sentient life forms… also don’t like him. I think one factor may be that his hair was scientifically designed by a team of barbers who specialize in hairstyles for Llamas.

I decided to investigate and find out why people and all other living creatures instinctively despise Chaffetz. (It’s these kinds of hard hitting acts of journalism that have me be commonly referred to as “the Edward R. Murrow of my generation”).

I spoke with Chaffetz’s mother*, in an exclusive interview. She had this to say: “I hated him from the start. From moment one really. I remember the first time I held him in my arms, I lifted him towards the sky and cried ‘Why GOD, Why?’ I wanted to throw him out the nearest window but knew there’d be legal repercussions. I fed him nothing but undiluted Pine-Sol for the first 14 years of his life, which is why he’s yet to reach puberty. Me and Stephen Miller’s mother are in a support group called Mothers Who Are Sickened by Their Own Sons”.

(*I’m sure she has a name.)

I also spoke with some of Chaffetz’s Republican colleagues, who did ask not to be named. Being very defiant by nature, I was then compelled to name them. Here’s what they said, and also what I named them.

Mrs. Gladys Gonne-Rheya (R): “Chaffetz smells like cheese with a hint of armpits. He really does. He also has the kind of face and head usually only seen in petting zoos. We’ve taken to feeding him kibble out of our hands now that he trusts us. But we still don’t like him.”

While the other senator, Heywood U. Cuddleme (R) had this to say:

“That loser Chaffetz totally gave away the GOP plan to ship free Iphones to poor people in lieu of medical attention, before it was ready. Total spoiler alert. We were going to included cool cases and tax breaks on burials! We had to rewrite that whole health care thing due to his giving away the big reveal. Stupid llama headed idiot. He’s totally ruining the GOP’s evil schemes to funnel all healthcare money to ourselves and our close friends. Mitch McConnell only said ‘Bwa ha ha’ twice this week, and only high fived once”

Chaffetz indeed announced the plan of replacing health care for the sick and destitute, with i-phones, so that poor people can call their loved ones to say goodbye when they get sick. I wrote a previous article about this, -(https://extranewsfeed.com/my-go-fund-me-for-jason-antoinette-chaffetz-that-guy-an-angry-utah-elected-just-to-spite-all-b2f8186c8abf )

- where I, with great gravitas, looked into the various legalities of starting a Go-fund-me page to raise enough money to hire someone near or in Utah to forcibly insert an iphone into Jason “Antoinette” Chaffetz, specifically up and way deep into him, far enough so that we can all call it whenever he tries to give an interview and we’d hear the ringtone as he tries to speak. My gofundme page asked for contributions for three things.

1. The cost of an iphone 7 plus which is around $800.
2. The cost of hiring a large, burly man (or woman, as I do believe in equal rights) to forcibly and angrily insert /punch the iphone into Chaffetz’ rectum, preferably while laughing maniacally. This should cost between $7,000 -$12,000 dollars depending on current market rates in hiring Utah based “muscle” who specialize in painful rectal insertions.
3. And then I’d need about $630,000 in legal fees to battle the inevitable prosecution for starting this movement.

Here’s some examples of this innovative and exciting idea.

This is how large an iphone 7 plus feels in Chaffetz’s lower intestines and bowels. HOW can we ever, ever put a price on this?

I then planned to branch out with other Republicans who need their rectums destroyed in order for them to fully appreciate all the great healthcare we provide for them. (*A Golden Age For Proctologists. You’re Welcome Proctologists. You actually do deserve every penny. I can’t imagine it’s a fun job.)

Scott Walker (R), as Goons, hired by me, insert 2 entire Boar’s Head Hams into him. I really like him better this way and America would too.

Cleverly segueing back to Chaffetz, through the use of the word segueing, Chaffetz has since taken to hiding himself or going out disguised with dark glasses, as pictured below.

Chaffetz, incognito.

The Deseret News notes that Chaffetz’s support for the G.O.P.’s unpopular health-care bill and statements suggesting he saw no reason to investigate Trump due to his own exhaustion caused by the many years spent investigating Hillary, caused his approval rating to drop a staggering 14 points. Thousands of protesters target his town-hall events, and thousands of dollars are pouring into a potential Democratic challenger in 2018.

As oversight and reform comittee chairman, Chaffetz’s chose not to explore such things as:

• Trump’s violations of the emoluments clause,
• Trump family members’ gross conflicts of interest,
• Trump’s Russian connections,
• Trump’s concealment of his tax returns and financial holdings

In a statement Chaffetz explained these decisions, saying:

“Trump specifically asked me not to investigate those things, and I’m really too busy investigating whatever Hillary is doing in the woods. I’ve heard reports that she’s using science to create an army of Bigfoots to attempt to take over the world!”.

Another indication of Chaffetz’s unpopularity is he recently lost a Nationwide Gallop Likability Poll to:

• AIDS
• Syphilis Left Untreated,
• Termites,
• Mosquitos,
• Kim Jong-un’s militarized hairdo,
• Falling down flights of cement stairs, into a sewer,
• Steven Seagal’s leaked nude pics,
• Pimples and giant boils,
• The Borg,
• Yeast infections,
• Ann Coulter’s spiked, poisonous tail, that she uses to kill people with,
• The Star Wars Prequels. (Not the cool new ones, but the ones from the 90’s from that time George Lucas ingested all the remains of Syd Barrett, and made three entire films while completely tripping his brains out),
• and Basement Mold.

Coming up right behind Ted Nugent* in popularity. (*Ted Nugent is famous for writing exactly one really lame song that anyone knows and no one ever cared about, and is also known for making great strides in the science of idiocy).

Written By Steven W. Rouach

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c2017SWRouach