With Mueller Report In, Nation Anticipates What Kind of Asshole Trump Will Be
With Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller having filed his official report into the Trump campaign’s Russia connections late Friday, many of the questions that have plagued media and DC insiders have been put to rest. Though details will not be publicly available for weeks, indications are that the report is thorough, comprehensive and was fairly administered by the Department of Justice. Mr. Mueller is not recommending charges for anyone in President Trump’s inner circle, nor does he have any indictments under seal. By all accounts, Mueller’s filing is meant to bring closure to what has been a bitterly contested moment in the country’s history, a gesture to move on to a form of civic discourse that is healing, unifying, free of resentment, and can shepherd the nation into a moment of peace.
The only question that remains is: what kind of divisive prick will the President be to ruin all that?
As of 9:00 Saturday morning, President Trump has not tweeted about the matter, nor has he directed his press secretary to release a statement that details the ways in which the administration will exploit this filing — not even for partisan gain, really, but to serve Mr. Trump’s ego. Sources close to the administration suggest that the President is just being cautious; that this is an important moment in his Presidency and that he doesn’t want to screw things up by being the wrong kind of asshole. “If you think inflicting this kind of trauma onto the country is easy or doesn’t require meticulous planning,” said a senior advisor on condition of anonymity, “you probably voted for Hillary Clinton.”
According to sources, the latest line of thinking out of the White House is that President Trump will put out a tweet sometime this morning, obviously written by a staffer, that thanks Mr. Mueller for a fair investigation that treats the office of the Presidency with such respect and that he looks forward to sharing the findings with the American people as a means of healing the nation. Then, after waiting a few hours for the media to catch on to the narrative that President Trump is, for once, willing to let something go, it’s time to hit them with the vindication tweets: talk about how they tried to destroy your favorite President, but they failed — just like they tried to rig the 2016 and lost. Then it’s the retweets: NO COLLUSION! NO COLLUSION! WITCH HUNT! WITCH HUNT! WITCH HUNT!; the retweets of random conspiracy theories that talk about how the Democrats are the real colluders, how everyone is working against him — the media, the FBI, Google, Facebook, elements within his own government — that it’s time to arrest Democrats, career officials, journalists who say bad things about him, that even Robert Mueller deserves to be put in prison for trying to subvert the will of the American people because of a treasonous order brought on by some crybaby losers who can’t stand the fact that their crooked hero couldn’t win an election that everybody tried to rig for her.
This is a fluid situation, of course. Everyone agrees that the President is liable to change his mind. He might decide, with the Mueller report out of the way, that now is the right time to begin a new chapter in his presidency. We might not hear about any of this ever again. It might just be over. It might just be over. It might just be over. It might just be over. It might just be over. It might just be over. It might just be over. It might just be over. It might just…
