Satire
Without Your Donation, The Trump Presidential Library Won’t Have The Water-Slide It So Deserves
Your, ideally sizable, donation will be appreciated.
Dear valued mailing list subscriber,
We have the chance to build something great. Though the election may have been stolen from us, that does not mean that future visitors to Trump’s proposed multi-billion dollar presidential library omniplex should have their chance to ride on a sick, 1,000ft water-slide stolen from them!
We stand on the cusp of history. We have plans. Big plans. And in order to provide our, now sadly former, Commander-in-Chief with the sprawling, Trump Mega-MAGA Presidential Book Shack deserving of his legacy, we need money. Your money.
So what better way to drown the sorrows brought on by the horror of electoral democracy in action (SHUDDERS) than by making a sizable donation toward this grand and noble, non-vanity project?
Your donation will entitle you to:
$25 — One ticket to the Trump Mega-MAGA Presidential Book Shack. You will also be granted early access to President Trump’s soon to be launched social media platform, ‘Doosh’; as well as a pin for your profile labelled ‘cheapskate’.
$50 — All of the above, plus a coupon for one free (small) Americano at the presidential library’s very own drive-thru McDonald’s! (Pending franchise approval).
$100 — An exclusive lunch with our resident librarian, Mike Pence, and 5% off your first purchase in the presidential library gift-shop (minimum spend $100).
$250 — Annual membership to the presidential library book-club. Boasting an innumerable array of literary masterpieces available to borrow; from the dozens of copies of the The Art of the Deal, to any of the vintage Playboys that make up the president’s personal collection of well-thumbed tomes, take your pick!
$500 — A framed photo of you sitting behind the desk in our recreated Oval Office! Live out your presidential fantasies in our to-scale mock-up of the West Wing’s most famous room! Why not sign an executive order that punishes economic migrants? Yell venal obscenities at one of our wax-work staffers — or the actual Mike Pence? Or even make an ‘off-the-record’ call to the President of the Ukraine using the fully-functioning telephone? The choice is yours!
$1,000 — Family pass to the Trump Mega-MAGA Presidential Book Shack’s very own water-park. Ride the fabled Leviathan water-slide. Constructed using materials leftover from the sadly never-completed border wall — sections of the Leviathan even pass through our recreated Oval Office! (The presidential library bears no legal responsibility for any injuries sustained on the Leviathan).
$2,500 — Exclusive access to the key documents from President Trump’s time in office. We know some lefty, liberal scholars have questioned the worth of housing thousands and thousands of grease-stained post-it notes bearing little more than doodles and the president’s rankings of various Hot Pockets products. However, we’re confident that this treasure trove of documents will provide future generations with a true picture of Trump’s administration.
$5,000 — Play the full 18-holes in our golf links! No presidential library should be considered complete without a PGA-standard golf-course, so it should be no surprise that the Trump Mega-MAGA Book Shack will be the first to feature one (eat it Nixon Foundation!). You will also be able to make full use of the services of our resident caddie, Michael R. Pence.
$10,000 — A luxurious hunting weekend in the company of Don Jr in our adjoining woodland and big game safari. Three whole days with the president’s foremost male child!
$15,000 — A hunting weekend with Don Jr. and Eric. Imagine spending 72 hours in such illustrious company!
$20,000 — A hunting weekend alone and unhindered.
$100,000 — A VIP invite to the unveiling of the 400ft fully automated mechanical statue of POTUS 45. This heavily-weaponised mech will be piloted by the former president during our proposed — peaceful — march on Washington, scheduled for 2024. Should any violence break out, we can’t wait to see the lame-stream media try to lay the blame for it at the titanium-clad feet of this mechanised agent of vengeance and destruction!
$2,000,000,000 — Wow! Your generosity in shouldering the entire cost of the Trump Mega-MAGA Book Shack won’t go unnoticed. You will be granted a mid-ranking cabinet position in any future Trump administration, be it Donald, Ivanka, or, less realistically, one of the others. Not only that, but you will also be entitled to one (medium) Americano at the presidential library’s drive-thru Burger King (new franchise approval pending), as well as exclusive use of Mike Pence’s parking spot.
So please, make it your dream to make our erstwhile president’s fevered vanity dreams come true. Donate now!
