Y’all Have A Favorite War?
Something I get asked all the time besides, “Are you okay?” and, “Really? You don’t look okay.” is “What’s your favorite war?” Well, there are a lot to choose from. It’s estimated that in the past 3,400 years humans have been at peace for 268 of those, leading to a whopping 8% not-killing-each-other rate. But fear not, when humans aren’t killing each other they turn to their other hobby of killing animals.
Animals and humans have a long tumultuous relationship that goes back to the beginning of civilization. There have been multiple attempts at diplomacy between animals and humans but the animals have proven to be unresponsive and stubborn. The distrust runs deep. We eat the ones that don't eat us and kill the ones that do eat us. Humans have been known to keep smaller, docile relatives of dangerous animals like wolves or lions in their homes to send a message to the animal kingdom that they aren’t meant to be trifled with. The troubled past between animals and humans reached an apex in Australia in the early 1930s. This is my favorite war. It’s was named “The Great Emu War” and they weren’t exaggerating.
To quote God on the sixth day of creation, “What the fuck is an emu?” Emus are basically ostriches that went to grad school. They’re flightless birds. At first, I thought that was merely an oxymoron like “jumbo shrimp” or “nonviolent cop” but apparently it’s a real thing. In 1930s Australia there were roughly 20,000 of these running around the country eating every crop in sight. Australia’s military, fresh off WWI, decided to pick up their brand-new Lewis machine guns and set out to make some lifeless birds.
Great Emu War Timeline
Oct. 1932
- War is delayed on account of rain. They decide they’ll try again next month.
Nov. 2nd
- The Emus, when attacked, split up into smaller groups and the soldiers were only about to kill around 12 emus that day.
Nov. 4th
- 1,000 emus were expertly led into an ambush but the machine guns jammed after only 12 were killed.
Nov. 5th- 7th
- The army realizes that their trucks have a top speed of 25MPH and emus can not fly at speeds of up to 40MPH.
Nov. 8th
- If you’re keeping score at home, the soldiers have now fired 2,500 rounds and killed 50–100 emus out of the 20,000.
Nov. 9th
- One Officer suggests farmers use a “fence” and is laughed out of a meeting.
Nov. 13
- Even though in the coming month hundreds were being killed per week, the Emu war had run it’s course. Which lead to the most incredible quote in human history:
The machine-gunners’ dreams of point blank fire into serried masses of Emus were soon dissipated. The Emu command had evidently ordered guerrilla tactics, and its unwieldy army soon split up into innumerable small units that made use of the military equipment uneconomic. A crestfallen field force therefore withdrew from the combat area after about a month.
I think every soldier’s dream is to return home from war, see his wife and kids again, and unload a full clip into a pack of flightless birds. It’s the stereotypical Australian dream. Sometimes the world is a very dark place and that has been sadly proven to be true almost daily in 2020, but when I feel down I like to remember the Great Emu War. I remember that there was a situation that leads someone to use the phrase, “The Emu command” in all sincerity.
The Impact
In the following years, the government provided ammo to the farmers, and roughly 50,000 emus were killed from 1932–1934. In a strange case of diplomatic Stockholm syndrome, they even put the emu on Australia’s coat of arms. The animal kingdom isn’t swayed by cosmetic gestures of regret and since the 1930s they have sent the most terrifying and dangerous animals to make Australia their home. The emus even went as far as teaching the kangaroos how to box so that they could defend themselves. The Great Emu War is why any creature that can sting, bite, maim, poison, or punch you lives in Australia.
More from writer Anthony Zuccaro here.
