Starting Self Care, TIC Style

Self care is easily one of the most overused buzzwords of 2019. It’s applied to so many behaviors that the meaning of the phrase has gotten pretty diluted. Eating two gallons of ice cream? Self care. Taking yourself on a date? Self care. Re-watching all six seasons of your favorite anime series? You guessed it. To clarify, there’s nothing wrong with any of these things.

Everyone’s needs are different, and a lot of these self-pleasing acts are often a great means to de-stress from the daily hustle and bustle we all go through.

What I’ve found though, is that labeling all “self-pleasing” things as “self care” can result in limited acknowledgment of the emotions that led one to needing to carve out time to themselves. Not having time or a medium to deal with the toll that daily stressors have on us is a large part of what mounts into the need for a 12-hour Netflix binge. That’s where trauma informed self care comes in: integrating space within your daily routine to explore why you may react to things in the manner you do helps with recognizing what experiences your behavior patterns stem from and how to go about changing them. Doing this, especially on a regular basis, is pretty hard, so here are some tips that have been immensely helpful for me:

Tip 1: Hit Pause When you Need to

9 times out of 10 the things that pushed you over the edge emotionally aren’t the only thing that triggered an unpleasant feeling. When that thing happens that pushes you over the edge it can be helpful to unpack what got you emotionally charged up to begin with, and think through how to manage your emotions and reactions in a different way when similar instances occur in the future.

I often find my thoughts can swarm together in my head and when I’m reacting it can be hard to objectively process while also reacting. Journaling has been super helpful for these moments. It provides a place for all these thoughts to go and allows me to think a bit more clearly.

Tip 2: Talk to Me Nice (Me @ Myself)

Often the traumatic instances we have faced cause us to internalize and develop negative self-thought patterns. When internal self-deprecating thoughts come up, ask yourself where they came from. Dig into how long you’ve thought these things and how they impact the way you act in various scenarios. Then challenge yourself to think of all the times you’ve proved these negative thoughts wrong and try to actively remember these times when the negative thoughts resurface.

For me, this looks like:

• Setting time in my morning routine to speak daily affirmations that counter these negative thoughts.
• Carving out time to write when things happen that make me feel the false narratives I say about myself are true.
• Actively talking to myself nicely- it has been the greatest thing for countering the negative things others projected onto me.

Tip 3: Find a Sustainable Release

I love online shopping as a method of self care but shopping every time I need self care would leave me real broke real fast. I still do shop, but a key part of coping with past and present stressors is finding a way to consistently release the negative energy that experiencing these events can build up.

How does one release all this built up energy? Movement!

There are a plethora of studies that connect body movement to decreasing anxiety levels. My present form of energy release is power lifting. In case you don’t enjoy lifting large pieces of metal in various positions, going for a walk, yoga, and numerous other activities are equally as effective and give a natural boost in endorphins.

Tip 4: Communicate With Intention

We all have communication needs, needs that not everyone in our lives may be aware of. When others do something that conflicts with what your needs are addressed it when possible so that your needs are clear and there’s no room for misunderstanding. When your requests aren’t honored by the person it may be time to assess the role they have in your life or the degree of interaction you have.

For this I had to be honest with myself in a) admitting what my communication needs are and b) assess the way that I presently communicate my needs to others. When these two are not aligned I can set myself up for disappointment in the relationships I have.

Tip 5: Be Gentle With Yourself

There are going to be days where you don’t feel emotionally up to trauma informed self care. This is completely understandable, as doing it every day is pretty hard — especially when initially starting. You are retraining your body to handle stress differently, so just like when training for anything else be patient with yourself. Set small goals and when your body needs a break listen to it. If all you’re up for in terms of self care is a slice of pizza and some wine you better go and get that wine.

Like with any new skill you take on, the key is to find the balance between pushing yourself hard without breaking yourself. Actively addressing how you process stress can trigger feelings or memories from traumatic experiences that are more than you can handle. When needed, reach out to those in your circle or trained professionals for further help. Adding trauma informed care into how you treat yourself takes a lot of work. As you work on this be patient with yourself, and give yourself all the self loving you deserve plus more.