Four Stages to a Heart Attack

The mightiest warriors of France battle a supernatural heart

Heart attacks: not a trifling matters. How do they occur? What are the warning signs? Most importantly, how should you attack one? We consulted with expert sources — The Art of War by Sun Tzu and The Prince by Machiavelli — to come up with a fool-proof strategy.


First, ask yourself if violence is necessary; remember, history has shown the futility of responding to violence with violence. Cited: “World War I”, “Batman vs Superman”, “Hamilton”. If, upon reflection, only a counter-attack will serve, please, turn about and walk to your mark.


Second, you must gather co-conspirators. A solitary attack is foolish and prone to failure. Before his alliance with Athos, Porthos, and Aramis, d’Artagnan’s vendetta against the Comte de Rochefort was a subject of ridicule and mockery; the man was rendered unconscious and left weaponless outside of a tavern!


Third, formulate a plan, and gather any required resources. Weapons? Camouflage? Each situation is different. Don’t forget to consider “gifts of many pastries” or “genetic predisposition”. The first is a well-known approach; weaponizing the second is the theoretical conclusion in the arms race against hearts.


Finally, choose the timing and the grounds. Where will you do battle? Many choose to strike while the opponent is engaged in irregular yet vigorous exercise, others during strenuous domestic chores. The element of surprise is strong in launching an attack on New Year’s Day, for instance, in the midst of the target’s “New Year’s Resolution”, or, perhaps, on the morning of the first major snowfall.


This is the fourth installment in Fact Check This! If you found this relevant to your interests and needs, consider looking at our recent articles on the presidential election. Start with our guide to Super Tuesday.

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