Maybe the Acura (Pt. 1)
When the money hits my bank account, I’ve been thinking, I’ll buy a Lexus IS 250. That’s the car I wanted 8 years ago, but shortly before the 250 came out I lost my job, so I had to economize and never bought one. So now when I do get the money, I’ll get the 250, I keep thinking.
But when I do get the money and visit the Lexus dealer, I think maybe instead I should get something cheaper, like a Civic, and hold on to the rest of the money for something later, like a house. But the Civic, during the test drive, is shit. You step on the pedal and get, like, nothing. Plus, my family, like in-laws, will ride in the back seat and think maybe I’m struggling. All the car magazines validate that the new Civic sucks, has a crappy interior, etc. Still, I want a Japanese car because the German car I have now has lots of electrical problems and I hear that all German cars have lots of electrical problems. It’s endemic to German cars, they say. So Japanese only. Or maybe American. There’s a new Buick that’s getting good reviews.
For weeks, I wait for the Buick to arrive in showrooms. I call the dealer. “Tell me when it’s coming because I’m pretty sure I want one,” I say, based on the positive reviews. The dealer keeps saying he will call, but he never calls. Then I find out they have one at another dealership, but the test drive is a letdown. The Buick feels sluggish, like a rental car.
That makes the Mazda 3 a possibility. The test drive feels great, like driving an Audi A3. Tight handling, powerful, but cheaper than an Audi. It’s got everything. Except good gas mileage. But they’re coming out with a new model that will have a new engine called SkyTech that gets great mileage. I will wait for that one. The Mazda 3 with SkyTech is the solution, I am sure of it. But when the new Mazda 3 with SkyTech finally shows up at the dealership it feels small. It’s the same car—only the engine has changed—but now it feels smaller. Then I remember, back when I test-drove the IS 300 eight years ago, that I also liked the Acura TSX. It was the Accord they sold in Europe, supposedly. Yes, that could be the solution.
The TSX test-drives great. Fast. Almost luxurious. Enough room in the back seat. I decide on the TSX. But Hendrick, the Acura salesman, tries to low-ball me on my trade-in. Are you kidding, Hendrick? I walk out of his dealership, and now Hendrick calls me every single day. I always let his calls go to voicemail.
“Hello, Mr. Jake,” he says on the message each time. “This is Hendrick, from Acura. I just want to know if you’re still in the market for the TSX. I have a new manager now, and he might be willing to offer more for your trade in, so why don’t you come down?”
I hear from Hendrick so frequently that I have a dream about him in which he’s forcing me to dive into a cold swimming pool. Still, the thrill of a TSX — I mean, compared to the other cars I’m considering — makes me realize that was the car.
Or I could go with the Nissan Altima, because Nissan is offering buttloads of incentive cash for it, but why are they offering so much cash? Does the car suck in some non-obvious way? I research it and there’s a total redesign of the Altima coming next year, so the resale value of this year’s Altima is going to plummet. Plus, the Altima is kind of boxy. Well, I see it on the road, and sometimes I think it’s boxy, and sometimes I think it’s really smooth and cool. (It’s weird that car — like the elephant and the blind men: depends what angle you see it from.) I’d take the Acura over the Altima, I usually think, but sometimes I think fuck it, I’ll just get something really cheap, like a Ford Focus. But Claire vetoed the Focus because of the complicated, poorly laid out entertainment screen. Also, that car accelerates like my grandma. (Not my grandma’s car — my actual grandma.)
Speaking of my grandma, there’s a new Dodge Dart coming out. No, it’s based on an Alpha Romeo, so it looks cool. The dashboard is going to be “skin-able,” which means you can change the colors and stuff, just like iPhone wallpaper. But it doesn’t come until the fall, and I can’t wait that long because Claire wants at least four doors before the baby arrives.
All the great cars are coming out in the fall. If I could only wait until the fall, I’d have my pick of all the greatest, coolest, funnest, hottest models. But I have to pick from the ones available now. So the Acura TSX is probably the best. Or so I’m thinking until I get to the dealership and my parents come along. I know inviting them is going to be a mistake, I just don’t know how it’s going to be a mistake.
Here’s how it turns out to be a mistake: While I’m talking price with Hendrick and his manager about the TSX and my trade-in, I notice out of the corner of my eye that my father is opening the trunk of a floor-model TSX. His arms are extended, and he’s making a strained shoving motion towards the trunk — back-and-forth with his arms — while saying something to Claire. I walk over to find out what he’s saying.
“So you’d have to put the stroller in like this, as opposed to, if you got a hatchback, it would go in more easily, like this.” Now my father makes a relaxed over-the-top gesture to demonstrate the ease with which a stroller would slide in and out of a hatchback. Claire stares blankly at me, and I now know that I will not be buying the Acura TSX because it’s a sedan and Claire is now thinking, “We need a hatchback.” I go back to Hendrick and make an excuse for why we suddenly have to leave.
On the way home, we stop at a VW dealership. I know, I said no German cars. But if you’re going to lease one — the idea of leasing has been slowly taking root in my subconscious — what does it matter? Because you get free warranty service during the whole lease term. Leasing opens up the whole world of German cars again! I was angry at my father for his shoving motion at the Acura dealer, effectively nixing the TSX, but now I see how a bad thing might be transforming into a good thing.
The VW salesman looks like one of those middle-aged German engineers in BMW commercials who spends his whole life thinking about car designs and technology. But his name is Sergey and he’s Russian. He shows me and my family the diesel Jetta wagon, which seems great until I notice the $2000 “market adjustment,” which is the dealership jacking up the price because it’s diesel and they can. Sergey shows us a Golf, too, which is nicely designed — very tight and German — but has limited trunk space. Claire opens the Golf’s hatchback and stops smiling, which means she doesn’t think there’s enough trunk space.
Noting this, Sergey proposes a Taureg — a mini-SUV. I know that Claire will nix that idea outright, because we are not “SUV people,” but she doesn’t. To my surprise, she says, “I like that it rides higher. Easier to get the baby in and out.” Is this the woman who has been relentlessly pushing a Prius? (Oh, the Prius: I liked the space-age dashboard, with the real-time graphics showing you when your power is coming from the gas engine and when it’s coming from the electric, and of course there’s the gas mileage. But that car is kind of expensive for what it is. There was definitely a period of a few weeks where I thought it was going to be a Prius. Maybe it still can be, especially if we lease. Like I said, when you lease, the different in price isn’t that big a deal, because it’s only for a few years. But then I would have money factors and residual rates to think about, and the negotiation gets more complicated.)
Sergey asks, “What’s important to you in a car?” Without looking at him, I grab the hair on the sides of my head and pull at it. I almost scream. Inside I are screaming. I’m thinking, “What am I supposed to say, Sergei? It’s all important. Price, styling, how it feels when I drive it, trunk space, how my relatives will feel in it, that it has four doors, that a car seat for the kid will fit in it, that it won’t use too much gas, that I won’t care if it gets scratched up a a little, that I will feel good in it, that I will feel like finally I got out of that old car, that I feel like an adult, that my parents will enjoy being in it, my in-laws will enjoy being in it.” The TSX comes in a hatchback version, I suddenly remember. It’s basically a station wagon. Really? After all this I’m choosing a station wagon? There’s also the Honda CR-V, which is a small SUV. It’s supposedly a little noisy. Oh yeah, Sergey, noise is important too.
Did I mention that, just a few weeks ago, I was about to sign on the dotted line for a Subaru Impreza? Claire liked that one, maybe even more than the Prius. The price was reasonable, and it had room in the trunk. It was a hatchback. But on my second test drive, it felt boring. Like, the dashboard dials did not excite me. I should tell Sergei that, oh yeah, I want to look at the dials, the speedometer, the gauges, and I want to see colored lights and big numbers and lots of action. I want the dashboard to glow a pleasing color at night.
Claire has opened up the mini SUV can of worms, and for a while it feels like things will go that way. Her friend Denise has a Hyuundai Tuscon and Claire once rode in it and she thought the white exterior with the cappuccino leather was an attractive combination and the car felt “roomy and nice.” I have already test driven the Tuscon, and apart from the fact that it feels under-powered, I’m creeped out by the way the Hyundai salespeople keep emailing me.
Instead, I go back to the Mazda dealership, this time to try the new CX-5. It’s supposed to be a small SUV, but it looks like a tank. Sergey (he sells both VW and Mazdas) tells me it’s a hot car, that he only has one in stock. Claire and I make an appointment that weekend to test-drive it.
When we pull back into the dealership, she says, “I don’t think we need this much car.”
So now it’s back down to the smaller hatchbacks. The Impreza might be the solution, even though I didn’t feel excited by the dashboard lights, but now there is no Impreza inventory. It’s a 10-week waiting list. We could have had one, but now we have to wait. That’s what we’re doing now. Waiting.
When it arrives, the dealer will have me over a barrel, and probably I’ll have to pay MSRP or higher. He’ll also be able to offer shit for my trade-in. As a backup, I test-drive the Mazda 3 with the SkyActive engine again. Just to have some leverage. This time it feels not-so-small. It gets 39 mpg highway. The Mazda 3 will be the backup plan.
